Tagline: When Bobbie realizes her odler brother's best friend, Chance, is joining her family for a day of fun in the sun, she never expects to stumble on the possibility of new love.
Stream of Consciousness Observations: The opening paragraph sets the scene well for a summer day in the sun.
Ah, an irritating older brother. I always wanted an older brother but I can imagine they could be annoying, so maybe it's better not to have had one. LOL
This isn't a huge deal but I'll just point out that you don't need to tag every line of dialogue in a story, especially if the conversation is between two people. Readers can easily keep track of a couple of back and forths without you having to designate who is talking.
I'm not sure how old the heroine is yet and I'm halfway through the story. Again, not a big deal, but it's good to ground your readers so they're not wondering. I'm also wondering what time of day it is. I'd assumed it was mid-morningish, but they play one game of volleyball and then they're having steaks, so, maybe nail down some setting/character details sooner rather than later.
Edited: A loyal subscriber pointed out to me that the dad called them to lunch, so my bad for not reading more carefully!
Okay, the brother is forgiven because he secured her a seat next to her crush!
He stayed all day before saying he needed to leave as he had to attend an early meeting the following morning. -- So I guess they were eating lunch after all. After going back and rereading, I see that they may not have been having steaks. It was just mentioned that "No one grilled a steak like her dad," which implied that steak was on the menu. Maybe it's just me. Let me know in the comments.
Photo by Thomas Kohler via Flickr CC License
The story does say "her father called them to lunch." So that was made clear, although it does seem to indicate they are eating steak. As for their ages, I just assumed they are young adults. It was a good story.
ReplyDeleteOMG, I missed that! Thanks for the reminder to read more carefully!
ReplyDelete