Tagline: When Sarah met Jake, the forecast was suddenly sunny and bright--despite the clouds!In A Nutshell: Sarah is on her way to an interview to be the local weather girl, but an inconsiderate driver splashes muddy water all over her. A stranger who happens to work at the TV station convinces her to go through with the interview anyway. She gets the job and finds that stranger who ends up asking her to lunch.
Observations: I really liked this story, which was a bit different than normal in that it focused mostly on the protagonist, Sarah, and how she finds the courage to interview for that job even though she looks horrible. The romance was kind of like a subplot here. But it worked, mainly, I think, because of this one moment. Sarah has just gotten splashed...
"Hey," she heard a male voice call out.
Sarah tucked her damp hair behind her ears and replied with a disheartened, "Hey."
A blonde (sic) man with concerned blue eyes approached. "I saw what happened," he said. "It was like he did it..." His voice trailed off when they linked gazes. "...on purpose."
Sarah felt a flutter in her stomach.
There. See what I mean? Couldn't you just picture that pivotal moment when they make that connection? That's romance! Little moment = big impact.
On a side note, that first sentence in the excerpt has a mistake in it. Anyone else notice it?
12 comments:
First of all, I loved the title of this story. And I loved the whole premise. As for that first sentence in the excerpt, I guess you mean it should have been, "Hey," a male voice called out. Oh, well, Jan could have saved two words to increase the romance. Or did someone at WW mistakenly edit the "she heard" in there? I thought they usually cut words out, but what do I know? I look forward to more of Jan's stories.
I think anyone who has ever been splashed by a careless driver can relate to this story.
I loved this one too. I thought it was well put together from some of the ones I've read recently. It really made you think and caused you to picture yourself there in that mess.
Mary Jo, that was the problem that I noticed... But wait a second. Maybe it's not a mistake after all. I was thinking it was along the lines of "Hello," she smiled. That happens all the time in WW. But on second thought I think that this one is grammatically okay. Never mind on that!
I liked the title, too.
Pat, I've never been splashed by a careless driver, but when I was a kid, other kids used to splash on purpose and I always hated it.
., I had no idea you could register as a punctuation mark! LOL. Anyway, I think the reason why it was so easy to picture is because the author did such a good job of characterization. We really understood what was driving Sarah and when her hopes were dashed, we felt it too.
I LOVED the story, and wish I'd wrote it! Read fine, to me. I have been fortunate to have met Ms. Romes and I am so happy to see her name in print!
Isn't it exciting to see that byline for an author we know? I love it.
The title was a good hook too.
Johnene liked it, and she's the one we're trying to please, but I found it surprising just how little romance there was in this story!
And there IS a grammatical error in that sentence -- HE is speaking, but the attribution tag describes HER. It should read:
"Hey."
(new paragraph) She heard a male voice call out.
I'm also not impressed with "hey" in 2 lines of dialog, although I nicely written.
I lost a sentence in my comment somehow: it should say "although I think that overall it's nicely written."
Yes, the title was great!
Yep, Betsi, I noticed the light romance, too. It was more like mini women's fiction with a little romance thrown in for garnish, but hey, Johnene liked it!
I'd much rather write this type of fiction than the usual formula, I wish we could be certain it was a trend! ;-)
Then write one! The worst that can happen is she'll reject it.
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