Monday, December 17, 2018

Tag A Heart

by Rosemary Hayes from the December 3, 2018 issue

Tagline: After years of searching online for her long-lost love, Lauren Bird has given up on ever seeing him again...until an unexpected name shows up on a tag at her local Christmas tree farm, sparking new hope.

Observations: Wow, that was an unusually long tagline.

I liked this story. Nothing bothered me as I read, but I did find myself wondering about this part:

Finally, the day arrived when Lauren could pick up their tree...

My family goes to a nursery where the trees are already cut, so I'm unfamiliar with tree farms. Is it commonplace to choose a tree and then have to go back to the farm to cut it down?

Photo credit: Justin Russell via Flickr cc license


Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Bright New Beginnings

by Debbie Noone from the November 19, 2018 issue

Tagline: When an old flame walks back into Erin's life, she refuses to fall for him again...until his surprising plea melts her heart.

Observations: I have a ton of stuff to do today, so I'm going to do another Stream-of-Consciousness analysis.

Erin March...I'm immediately reminded of the March sisters of Little Women, for some reason, which gives me an idea of writing stories for Woman's World with heroines named after the March sisters. Yeah, my brain is weird.

Gertie smiled, fluttering out from behind the front desk of her yarn shop like a spooked starling.

I really don't know how starlings move, but I can imagine. I always appreciate a good simile in a Woman's World story.

OMG. I love the idea of a yarn shop - even though I am a failed knitter from way back - but when Gertie also holds an Ugly Sweater contest? LOL.

Well, I really should have known it was a second-chance story because of the tagline, but for some reason I was still as surprised as Erin. LOL

Erin plastered on her brightest smile a she pretended not to recognize him.

Again, LOL. I really identified with Erin because I have been in the grocery store and seen someone I didn't really want to talk to for whatever reason and pretended not to see them.

So, it occurs to me that this story has what storytellers tout as a key element of fiction writing - conflict. Erin doesn't like Jake at all, so they are at odds right from the beginning. This can make it "easy" to write the story because "all" you need to do is show her starting to like/forgive him bit by bit.

I've read two thirds of the story now and see that Erin doesn't actually start to like him. More like she remembers how much she liked him before, which isn't quite the same thing. But it works in this story.

Oh, plot twist and more conflict! Enter Daisy, the girl Erin suspected Jake had a crush on, back in the day. I love it.

"I knew the two of you would hook-up if you moved back!"

FYI, my sons (early twenties) have schooled me on the current meaning of hook-up and that I should be super careful about using it. Apparently, this generation equates a hook-up with meaningless sex.

Ah. Daisy isn't the "bad guy" after all. That was resolved quickly, but then it had to because these stories are so short!

Okay, I've finished the story. She forgives him... Honestly, I'm not feeling it. He was scared of the depth of his feelings. I can see how that would happen, but his apology didn't move me. It felt rushed to me.

Photo credit: Casey Fiesler via Flickr CC license

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Reservation For Two

by Stephanie Dees from the November 26, 2018 issue

Tagline: After becoming an empty nester, Roberta is overcome with loneliness...until she finds a new love in the most unexpected place!

Observations: It's always really difficult for me when a published Woman's World story doesn't work for me. The editors can just ignore stories, whereas I need to analyze them here on the blog whether I like them or not.

Obviously, I start reading with an open mind and as I read, if something good stands out, I mentally make a note. (Sometimes I even write on the page.) Conversely, if I see something that bothers me, I note that as well.

With this story about a third of the way in, the bothersome things (and even some things didn't make sense) were starting to add up. I'll list them here, along with the parts I liked. Unfortunately, there were more negatives than positives.

Nice bits

1. "...her real home had turned quiet and lonely, feeling more like a sieve through which her life was seeping..." I really liked this part. Very poignant and descriptive. You really felt something for Roberta and what she's going through.

2. I liked how Mickey said, "I figured maybe we'd give three square meals a day a try. You know, where I'm not the only one cooking them." LOL. Very cute.

3. I liked the idea of him getting the cruise tickets for the two of them. I might have made sure the reader knew he got separate cabins. LOL

Bothersome bits

1. Second paragraph - she was heading back to her office so she could help field the first wave of lumberjack breakfasts? How is she going to help from her office?

2. I wasn't crazy about the slight melodrama of her state of mind in this sentence:

Roberta was full of pride and joy, but also felt a loss so strong that she wondered if she'd ever be able to use the word "bright" to describe her own future again.

Then I realized this ties into the last line of the story. Yeah. This technique can work well to bring the story full circle, but I think this could have used some finessing. 

3. I think colons have their place, but two in one story seems odd and when I saw the second one, I was pulled out of the story. 

4. This paragraph is kind of a grammatical mess. It has two sentence fragments and the way it's written, Roberta is her own best friend. I also winced at his head being full of curls. "Full" isn't the word I would choose, but that's getting really picky. 

Mickey: her ruggedly handsome partner-in-crime at the Darling. With his head full of chestnut-brown curls shot through with gray, and a lazy warm smile. He always looked out for Roberta--the best friend she'd never known she needed.

5. When their fingers brush and she feels a "jolt of excitement," it seemed to come out of the blue. Again, maybe the word choice wasn't quite right. Or maybe I wasn't prepared as a reader for this level of emotion at the wayward touch.

6. Free? To do what? To spend weekends walking alone on the beach or wandering around on her own?

Walking and wandering are too similar. Better to choose some other example of her solitary life.

7. He tilted his head as her heart hammered out toward him. 

Another word choice thing. I'm fine with her heart hammering, but how does it hammer out toward him?

8. Twice in the story a character "sang" his/her dialogue. I was fine with once, but like the colons, twice was too much.

9. Roberta smiled widely as she jumped up to hug him. 

When did she sit down? I went back and the last mention we have of her physical location was "she headed back to her office."

10. Why did he choose a cruise that was over Christmas? Isn't she going to spend the holidays with her daughters?

So, yeah, this story didn't work for me and I feel really bad about it. I hate to take the joy out of the author's accomplishment by so heavily criticizing it, but this is only my opinion. I also really hate James Patterson's style of writing, and he's one of the most popular novelists alive today, so take what I've said here with a grain of salt.

Photo credit: Kabacchi via Flickr CC license