Trail to Happiness

by Marti Attoun from the July 10, 2023 issue

Tagline: When Ramona stops to smell the roses, she meets a handsome newcomer who opens the door to friendship...and a blooming future.

Observations: I wanted to highlight a few things in Attoun's story. I really liked how she described the hero:

Up close, Ramona could see handsome laugh lines radiating from his green eyes and gray streaking his wavy hair. 

This not only gives us a clear picture of Andy, just look at those active verbs--radiating and streaking. Lovely.

She also used the bookending technique, which is mentioning something at both the beginning and end of the story to bring the tale full circle and give the feeling of closure. You'll see in these first and last sentences of the story, she tied the story together using "moseying."

Ramona set off at her usual moseying pace on the trail circling Brookfield Lake: slow enough to admire the roses cascading over the fence at her favorite lake front cottage.

"No need to hurry. I think we can make it, even if we mosey."

I also loved how she conveyed Ramona's physical reaction. Notice how there was no electricity nor did her heart perform any tricks. 

Andy laughed heartily, bringing with it [sic] a dizzying delight that made Ramona feel like her insides were cart-wheeling.

I'm not saying don't use electricity or make your characters' hearts soar or what have you, because Woman's World loves that. However, in my opinion, a little extra effort in the originality department can make a big difference. Small choices, made consistently in a story, can move a story from the ordinary category to the extraordinary category.

In fact, I challenge you right now to brainstorm some ways to convey a positive physical reaction that does not include the heart or any electrical impulses. I know you can do it!

Photo by Larry Jacobsen via Flickr Creative Commons License