Love Will Find A Way by Mary Davis

from the October 3, 2016 issue

Tagline: Becky didn't want to take a chance on love...until she met Tony!

Woman's World Tropes: a concerned friend, characters with a mom & pop type business

Observations: I thought this was a solid story, nothing particularly amazing.

I really liked how Becky ended up wanting to take a chance on love, but I wondered why I didn't feel happy for her until I went back to see how the author had established her hesitancy and fear. After re-reading, I saw no indication that she wasn't ready for love. Actually, she was just really (understandably) busy. So, I think that this story would have been better if we saw some hint that Becky was only saying she was busy to cover up the fact that she was afraid, for whatever reason--a bad break-up, being jilted at the altar, what have you. Then, we can properly applaud her taking that first step at the end of the story.

Photo credit: Sarah Horrigan via Flickr Creative Commons License

Smooth Sledding

by Kady Winter from the January 25, 2016 issue

Tagline: After years of loneliness, Eddie was certain he'd never love again. Then he met Olivia!

Observations: I am SO EXCITED to critique this story, because Kady came to me wanting an edit on her second Woman's World story and so I'm really proud that it sold. To tell the truth, it was already a good story, but with some tweaks it became a story I would have bet a thousand dollars would sell. And it did!

I just read this revised version and Kady did an excellent job with the revamp. I can tell because I got teary at the end of the story. It really tugged at my heartstrings. I really was rooting for Eddie to be happy.

There are many things I loved about this story. There is an Americana feel to it, like we're reading a Norman Rockwell painting, come to life. This giant toboggan sled is something a Southern California born and bred girl like me has no experience with, so I found that terrific. There was that little "old-fashioned" touch of Eddie helping her out of the sled. Loved that.

But mainly, this story is another study in character development. If Kady comes here and sees this, maybe she can help me out here, because I seem to remember suggesting that she make the story be from Eddie's point of view and this really, deservedly, made him the star of the story. I can't find the original story she sent me. My computer ate it, apparently.

I'll give you a run down on how we come to care about Eddie. When we first meet him, he's working hard as a volunteer. Admirable. We immediately find out he's alone now and as we wonder why, we feel for him. Poor guy, right? Then in Act 2, we see he's not all doom and gloom. He is interested in the woman at the post office, but we also witness him struggle to work up the courage to talk to her. We find out why he's alone right now. We see him conquer his fear and his loneliness and make a decision to act and we think, "You go, Eddie!!" And then that "mean" author, makes him fail. Did you feel as disappointed as I did?

So, we move into Act 3. Eddie gets another chance. We're all rooting for him again. "You can do it, Eddie," we're all thinking. We meet Olivia and she's so nice and Eddie is trying so hard. The author creates a little tension as we hope Olivia conquers her own fear and says yes to the sled. We spend a nice amount of time here as they make an emotional connection.

After that, we are in the denouement of the story. It's funny how our experience as readers mirrors that of the characters who are also "coming down" from the thrill of the ride. The last paragraph really tugs the heartstrings. Eddie has come full circle. At the beginning of the story, he's not sure he has the heart to move on with his life, even after three years of mourning. At the end of the story, we see he has a lot of love left inside him.

Photo credit: Erik Hansen via Flickr Creative Commons License

The Best Christmas Gift

by Kate Willoughby from the December 29, 2014 issue

Tagline
Tracy had been keeping a secret. On Christmas morning, she shared her news--and her joy--with her husband...

Before, when it was my story, I showed the story in its original form, the way I submitted it, but with the edits that Johnene did. Personally, I always found it interesting to see the changes. However, it was pointed out to me that the new contract prohibits publication, except by Bauer Publishing.

My apologies.

Photo credit: By User:hmbascom (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Just One Word (original and edited versions)

by Kate Willoughby from the July 22, 2013 issue

Tagline: Libby loved the story of her grandparents' romance. And she loved it even more the second time around!

As usual, instead of analyzing my own story, I am posting it here with all the changes Johnene made to it. I do this for myself as much as I do it for you guys. It's always interesting to see exactly what she did. New material is in blue.

Libby and her grandparents, Eugene and Pam, were attending the Taste of Newhall food festival. The evening was pleasant, and the three of them took their time as they walked from booth to booth, sampling foods from, where for a fee, they had their pick of samples from dozens of local restaurants.

When they reached the booth for Home Sweet Bistro, a dark-haired man in a white chef’s jacket greeted them.

     “Good evening,” he said. “I’m Aaron Porter, chef and owner of Home Sweet Bistro.”

     Libby smiled at took in his friendly demeanor smile and warm brown eyes. “I’m Libby Wells and these are my. My grandparents, Eugene and Pam Hardy. We’re shopping around tonight and I are looking for a place to hold their fiftieth anniversary party.”

     Aaron whistled. “Fifty years. Congratulations.”

     “Thank you,” Grandpa Eugene said, then, “That looks like Is that meatloaf and mashed potatoes,?” Grandpa Eugene said. He’d been relatively silent so far, letting Libby and Grandma Pam discuss the food.

     “It is,.” Aaron said, handing handed them each a samples. “My Our specialty is comfort food with a twist.”

     “I love Can’t beat comfort food.,” Eugene said. “This meatloaf is almost as good as yours, Pam.” He winked at Aaron. I vote for this place,” Eugene said, still chewing. 

     “Be honest, sweetheart,” Pam said, “this is better than any meatloaf I ever made.”

     Libby silently agreed with her grandmother. She chewed slowly, tasting—what was it?

     , finding the meatloaf moist and delicious, flavored with s”Sundried tomatoes and roasted pine nuts.,” Aaron said, as if reading her thoughts.

     “This is better than my meatloaf,” silver-haired Pam exclaimed with a delighted smile.

     “Delicious,” Libby said.

     After visiting the restaurant with her grandparents a The next day, Libby and her grandparents had dinner at Home Sweet Bistro; two few days later, Libby met again with Chef Aaron, this time to discuss the party menu.  

Aaron led her to his cubbyhole of an office, then asked, “Where are Eugene and Pam?” he asked. They sat in his cubbyhole of an office.

“Grandpa wasn’t feeling well and Grandma Pam didn’t want to leave him.” She said whatever I decided on would be fine.”

“Nothing serious, I hope?” Aaron’s face showed concern. expression darkened with worry. “I hope it’s not serious.”

“No, just a cold,” Libby said. she answered. “A little tender loving care and he’ll “He’ll be back on his feet in no time.”

“I read somewhere that said married men live longer,” Aaron said, smiling.  Just goes to show you what the love of a good woman can do. “How “So, how did they meet?” Aaron asked.

     Libby smiled. “When he Grandpa was in college, Grandpa he waited tables at a diner, and Grandma used to go in and ask to sit at his station. I guess he was kind of shy and couldn’t work up the courage He wanted to ask her out but didn’t have the nerve. But one day, because she always ordered French fries, he knew French fries were her favorite, he included arranged for a little surprise on her plate.”

     “What kind of surprise?” was it?” Aaron asked, leaning forward.

     “An invitation to dinner.” Libby held back a smile. She laughed.

     “On a napkin?” Aaron asked.

     Libby laughed. “No! One word, written on the plate with a squeeze bottle of ketchup. “A really small invitation. All it  It said was ‘Dinner?’ Grandma said yes, and the rest is history.”

     “That’s it? One word?”

     She nodded. “Written in ketchup. That one word was enough. Grandma said yes and the rest is history.”

     Aaron grinned. and leaned forward. “So we definitely serve We need to have French fries on the menu for at the party.”

“You’re right!” Libby said. “And what if I’m making make a little program type thing.? I’m thinking a little A storybook that tells about my grandparents’ about their life together. Of course, it’ll start with the French fry story.”, including the tale of how they met, so the guests will understand about the fries.”

     “Now you’re talkin’,” Aaron said. “We can pair the fries with a nice sirloin?, or maybe a filet.” Aaron suggested.

     “Grandpa’s a loves meat and potatoes kind of guy,.” Libby agreed.

     “Now all we have to do is decide on And what about dessert?.”

     Libby looked at the suggestions he’d jotted down. “If it were me,” Libby said, “I’d have the chocolate cake, but my grandparents love Grandpa loves strawberries.” So does Grandma.”

     “So, it looks like we’ll have the strawberry shortcake?.”

     “They’ll love that. This is going to be the best fiftieth anniversary party ever.” “Perfect,” Libby said.

     After Libby handed over the a deposit check, and rose to leave, she sighed inwardly. She was sorry their meeting was over. Aaron was so easygoing. and he had this And there was that adorable dimple in his left cheek.

“All rightOkay, Libby,” he said, standing fingering the check thoughtfully. “I guess we’re all set.”

Tucking a lock of brown hair behind her ear, she managed a smile. She nodded. “I guess we are.”

She had gone as far as When she reached the doorway when he said, “Libby?”

“Yes?” She turned with a questioning look and held her breath.

“Tell your grandpa Eugene I hope he feels better.”

“Oh, sure. Of course.”

She told herself a man like that Aaron probably wasn’t single anyway.

The night of the party two weeks later was a success. , everything went splendidly. The guests of honor and all the friends and family loved Libby’s grandparents were thrilled with the storybook she’d made “in honor of their storybook romance,” and everyone raved about the food.  how the food tied in with Eugene and Pam’s fifty years together. Libby got a warm feeling in her heart every time she looked at her grandparents and how happy they were. When the strawberry shortcake was served, everyone it was time for dessert, all the guests agreed it the strawberry shortcake was the best they’d ever had.

All except Libby.

She didn’t get strawberry shortcake. The Because when the waiter brought her dessert, it wasn’t strawberry shortcake. Instead, it was a thick slice of luscious chocolate cake instead. And across the white plate in chocolate syrup she saw one word.: Dinner?

She looked up to see Aaron standing across the room, smiling at her. When their eyes met, he When she gasped, her grandma asked, “What is it, Libby?”

She held up her plate in answer just as she noticed Aaron entering the room. He lifted an eyebrow questioningly, that dimple of his winking, and she beamed at him and nodded. Libby smiled at Aaron and mouthed one word: Yes.

The rest was is history.

I have to admit, my finger got tired from going back and forth to the font color button. The ratio of original words vs. revised words is quite a bit larger than in previous stories of mine. Some of the changes I could see the reasoning behind. Most of them had me puzzled. 

I wish she would have left the part about Libby getting a warm feeling when she looked at her grandparents. I also liked her sharing Aaron's message with her grandmother and I was sad to see both parts edited out. 

But hey, a sale is a sale!

Photo by Biyu

My Story, Edited

Since I think it's silly to try and review my own story, I decided once again to post it showing the edits that Johnene did. She changed a lot more on this story than she did on the last one. The type in blue is stuff she added.

All in all I thought she made the story tighter. You'll notice she took out the part where Julie and Daniel agree that the latest action flick was too predictable, probably because it was slightly negative (and unnecessary anyway.)

I don't really understand the new title she gave it. I think it's a reference to those combo type meals you can order in Chinese restaurants, but I never look at that part of the menu, so maybe someone can enlighten me. :)

I liked the name she gave the cat. I also liked the different ending. When I emailed her the story, I mentioned in the email that here in Southern California, where I live, it's perfectly plausible that someone might go on a picnic in early February, but in much of the rest of the country, that would be ridiculous. I told her that she might want to address that issue, and she did, finding a good alternative date for them to go on.

I'm pleased with the story. Now, I need to get going on the idea I got in the car the other day. This morning I came up with this great line for the hero to say: "I feel like we both showed up at the prom wearing the same dress." I'll leave you wondering why he'd say that. Mwah-ha-ha-ha.

A Good Sign Two From Column B

By Kate Willoughby

After a long day at work, I was way too tired to make dinner for myself, so I went to my favorite Chinese restaurant, the Mandarin Wok.

“Happy New Year, Julie,” Pearl said. Pearl and her husband, Raymond, owned the place.

Because New Year’s Day was a couple of weeks earlier, had been over a month ago. So I gave her a puzzled look.                                                

“Chinese New Year,” Pearl explained. “Year of the Snake.”

     “Oh, Happy New Year to you too then, Pearl,” I replied.

     I gave her my regular order ordered my usual—beef with broccoli and pork fried rice—and sat down to wait. It was a relief to get off my feet. I work in a department store, and today crowds of eager bargain hunters took advantage of a huge sale it had been a very busy day.

     Pearl came over and handed me a piece sheet of paper. “NIt's our new placemat,” she said with a proud smile. “See the snake?”

I’d see this type of thing many times before. The placemats displayed the twelve 12 animals of the Chinese zodiac, and your listed the birth years determines your animal sign and corresponding characteristics and characteristics for each animal.

     I smiled. “Very nice.” I scanned the paper sheet even though I knew perfectly well what sign I was. Sure enough, there it was in black and white. I sighed, disgruntled. and when I spotted my birth date, I sighed.

     “What’s wrong?” Pearl asked.

     “Nothing. It’s justAccording to this…I’m a rat.” I tapped pointed at the bewhiskered rodent illustrated on the placemat and shuddered. “R Let's just say I think rats are, well, disgusting yucky.” At least that’s what my sister always said. She’d had the good luck to be born under the Chinese sign of the tiger.

     Pearl tapped the placemat with her index finger. “No. TBut the rat is a good sign.," Pearl said. See what it says? ‘Charming and quick, clever and funny,’” she read aloud. “’They have excellent taste, are good friends, and are generous and loyal to others.’”

     “Whatever you sayIf you say so, Pearl…” I said, smiling.

     The bell jangled on over the door when a man came in. He was Pearl looked up at the tall and good looking man who'd just entered. We exchanged smiles as Pearl bustled over. “Daniel, good to see you.,” she said.

“Good to see you too Hi, Pearl.” He inhaled deeply. "Mmm. “It sSmells so good in here. that I think I’m twice as hungry as I was before I got here. Tell Will you ask Raymond to make something good for me? His choice-- whatever he wants. I trust his judgment.”

“First," Pearl handed him a placemat, "As soon as you look at our new placemats,” she said. “Wwhat is your Chinese zodiac sign?”

He scanned the print., then announced with a grin, “I'm a Dragon.”

“You are Then you're very imaginative and charismatic.”

His grin got broader and he rested an elbow jauntily on the counter. "Tell me more. I'm flattered."

“And,” Pearl continued, pointing at the placemat, “your ideal partner is a mMonkey or a rRat. Julie here is a rRat.”

     My eyes got wide as I smothered a gasp.  I shot a look at Pearl as Daniel turned to me and I got up, smoothing my skirt smiled, feeling self-conscious. My hair might have been be the worse for wear, but I was wearing one of my favorite outfits.

     “Julie the rRat, meet Daniel the dDragon.”

     “Nice to meet you,” Daniel said, shaking hands with me. He grinned and his beautiful brown eyes twinkled. “You’re too pretty to be a rat.”

     I laughed while Pearl, that crafty woman, returned went to the kitchen with to put in Daniel’s order.

     “Thank you. You’re not scaly enough to be a dDragon,” I countered.

     We chatted. When I found out he was the entertainment editor for the local newspaper, we compared notes on the new action flick at the Cineplex. that came out recently. I’d found it too predictable and cliché, and he agreed. We were still talking when Pearl brought out our food two takeout bags.

     “Raymond made you blackbean fish, winter melon soup, and salt and pepper pork chops,” she said to Daniel.

     “Brown rice?” he asked.

     “Of course.”

     “I always get the same thing—beef with broccoli and pork fried rice,” I said as Pearl handed me my bag, “but that sounds good interesting.”

     “I usually let Raymond choose for me, and I'm never sorry. Daniel cocked his head at me. "Hey, I have a crazy idea. If you're in the mood to try something new, H how about we share? Pearl could get bring us a couple of plates and we could eat here in the restaurant continue our conversation here. I’d much rather eat dinner with you than go home to You'll be a much more interesting dinner companion than my cat, Rocco,. Bbut if you ever tell my cat Rocco that, I’ll deny it,” he winked said with a twinkle in his eye.

     The fatigue that had been dragging me down before I'd been feeling vanished. Now I felt energized and excited. "That sounds like a good idea. And I'll never mention it to Rocco. Promise."

     After over two hours of almost non-stop conversation, We talked and ate for two hours. When we were done, Daniel said, “I had a great time tonight, Julie. You’re the nicest rRat I’ve ever met.”

I laughed. "And I'm relieved you're not the fire-breathing kind of Dragon."

"Hey, have you ever been to the comedy club in town? I mean, is that something Rats do in their spare time?"  as he went on, “I was wondering…do rats like to go on picnics? The park on Railroad Avenue is really pretty, and it has a duck pond.”

I looked down at the place mat. "It doesn't say anything about what we do for entertainment, but I can tell you that this Rat has always wanted to check that place out."

Daniel smiled. "Then maybe next weekend? Dinner here, then the show?"

I nodded my assent. Maybe it wasn't really so bad to be a Rat...and maybe this was going to be a great year after all!

     “As a matter of fact, we adore picnics and duck ponds,” I said, elated and glad, for the very first time to be a rat.

New Service

A comment from a reader yesterday got me thinking. She said she'd been trying to get published by Woman's World for ten years. Ten years! That's got to be a lot of stories. When I read that, I immediately wanted to get a hold of all her stories and skim them to see if I could pinpoint the problem for her.

It got me thinking again about my editing service. For a while now, I've been wanting to create a new, quicker, more general service for you guys that isn't so expensive. Forty bucks is a lot to pay, even though you get a full line-by-line edit for your money.

So I wanted to float a couple of ideas off you.

1. What do you think of consultations? You could send me a story and we could instant message about the story for a certain length of time, perhaps half an hour. We would discuss general things--tone, characterization, plot, beginnings/endings, dialogue, etc. We might even end up brainstorming.

My son suggested Facebook as a vehicle for communication... My problem with this is that I suck at figuring out time zone changes. LOL I'm thinking $20/hour.

2. The other idea I had was to offer a service in which I look at a story and rather than do a line-by-line edit, give a 500-1000 word general opinion of it, similar to what I do on the blog but obviously about your story, not someone else's. Price...$10?

3. The last idea I had was to look at three rejected stories and give you my short opinion (a paragraph or two) as to what might have been the problem. I'm thinking $10/three stories for this also.

Comments? Suggestions? Are these services that would interest you?

Original vs. Edit

In lieu of an analysis of my own story, I thought people might like to see what type of edits they did on it. Anything added by the editors is in blue.

One thing they added that I liked was the part that he'd heard she broke up with her boyfriend. That signaled the all clear for Zach to make his move and I hadn't put that in myself. (Although on second thought, if she just broke up with her boyfriend, that sort of makes Zach the rebound guy, but hopefully people will believe that they're right for each other anyway.) I liked the phrase "wake-up call" too. I do wish they'd left "sunflower smile," instead of "sunny smile." I think sunflowers are cheerful and bright, and "sunny" is a teensy bit cliche. Other than that, I think that they tightened it up nicely.

To tell the truth, I hadn't even noticed most of these edits were here. When I read the published version, I thought to myself, they made about five changes. Obviously there were a lot more than that, so that either shows that Johnene knows her stuff and her edits are smooth and undetectable, or I'm a complete dweeb who doesn't know her own story. LOL Maybe some of both. 

The Perfect Storm
from the April 16, 2012 issue

by Kate Willoughby

When Zach knocked on Jane’s door that evening, she seemed both surprised and elated to see him.

            “Zach! Come in out of the rain,” she said. “What are you doing here?”

Predictably, Zach’s heart started beating faster, as like it always did when he saw Jane. It had been that way ever since Jane had approached him outside their first grade classroom. and She'd said, “Hi! I’m Jane. Wanna be friends?” and he'd fallen for her bubbly personality and sunny smile. From that day on, he’d been in love with her cheerful demeanor and sunflower smile—even if it had been missing two front teeth at the time. 

He fell in love with the rest of her sometime in junior high, even knowing there was no way she would ever see Unfortunately, he knew she’d never even consider him as boyfriend material. Not a geeky brainiac science nerd like him. 

But Zach’s brother just got engaged and it was like a wake-up call: Zach realized Jane would never be his if he didn’t try to do something about it. Besides, he'd heard that she'd broken up with her boyfriend.

“I thought you might like some company, what with the storm and all,.” He he said, gesturing at the rain. smiled even though he was soaked to the skin. The wind was blowing something fierce.

“Oh, my gosh. I'd forgotten all about that!”

Years ago they’d confessed their most embarrassing deepest fears to each other. Jane was afraid of thunderstorms. Zach hated spiders and thunderstorms terrified Jane. As a result, she’d appointed Throughout their childhood Jane called herself his personal Zach's “Sspider Nninja” while he’d become her “Sstorm Bbuddy.,” His job description had included showing up with hot chocolate and a video whenever the weather got particularly nasty.

She shut the door on the weather. “You know, I finally did grow out of that, Zach, but I’m glad you’re here.” She gestured to  looked at the bag tucked under his arm. “What movie did you bring?”

Before he could answer, the power went out. Zach cursed his luck as they hunted for candles, but by the time they’d settled down together on the couch, he’d decided the warm glow they created was decidedly romantic.

“So, what movie do you want to watch?” he asked.

“What do you mean? We can’t watch a movie. The power’s out.”

     “Oh, yeah? ye of little faith,” he said as he  He whipped out his cellphone. “The screen's may only be four inches wide, but it does play movies.”

“You’re a genius,” she declared, leaning in close to look. She grinned as they scrolled through the selection. When he suggested a romantic comedy, Jane looked at him, surprised.

“Seriously? I really wanted to see this when it was in the theatre theaters,” she said, “but my ex wouldn’t even think about it wasn't interested. We always saw what he wanted to see.”

Zach frowned. “Always?”

“Pretty much.” After a pause, she poked him. “Hey, what was that you were thinking just now? You had a strange look on your face.”

“Who me?”

“No, the President of the United States,” she said with a laugh joked. “Of course Yes, you.”

Realizing this was his moment of truth, Zach took a deep breath.

“I was just thinking that your ex must have been pretty dense crazy.” He gulped. “I mean, to have had a girl like you and, you know, not done everything in his power to keep you  make her happy.”

     Jane went quiet. She gently took his cellphone and set it aside. “You mean like remembering to keep me company during a thunderstorm? defend me from little boys who want to squirt glue in my hair? Or bring me hot chocolate and a movie when the power goes out? Or,” she said, laying her hand over his, “make making me feel like I’m the most important person in the world whenever he’s with me?”

      His eyes widened in surprise. Before he Zach could quite take in Jane's words completely process what Jane had just said, she leaned in toward him and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Outside, the wind howled. The rain beat against the windows. Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled. But Zach was oblivious to everything but her.

He blinked. “Jane, what What was that?”

     “That, Einstein, was a kiss.” She laughed. “Sheesh Jeez, for the high school valedictorian, you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”

     “Maybe I need a tutor,” he said with a shy grin, brushing a stray lock of hair off her face. “Do you know anyone who might be able to help me?”

      With the that sparkling smile that made his heart sing, Jane put her arms around his neck and said, “You know, I just might happen to know the perfect person.”