Saturday, February 8, 2014

Banking on Love

by Elizabeth Palmer from the January 27, 2014 issue

Tagline: Megan was too shy to make the first move with Ryan--until her twin sister delivered a challenge she simply couldn't resist.

In a Nutshell: Megan likes Ryan the bank teller. Megan's sister dares her to give him her phone number on her deposit slip. Just as she's about to give it to him, the manager takes his place because it's time for his lunch. Never fear though, because Ryan is outside waiting for Megan. He wants to take her to lunch.

Observations: I loved how this story played out. There were no real jumps in time. Did you notice that? There was no shift to another scene. The narrative began and went on uninterrupted until the end. I think it made it really feel like I was living it with Megan.

I felt bad for her when the manager snaked the deposit slip with her phone number on it. How embarrassing! And I thought the sister seemed realistic. She is just the right amount of loving (she wants her sister to find love) and annoying (daring Megan and then laughing when it goes wrong).

I loved the ending line, "Her work here was done," referring to her sister's matchmaking efforts.

The only think I found lacking was I didn't really experience a lot of joy when he asked her out. Ryan seemed a little flat to me.

Other than that, another winner from Ms. Palmer!


Chris said...

Another neatly written story from Betsi. I, too, liked the way we stayed in the moment all the way through, so it really was a snapshot in time. I thought Megan's sister Kayla was a great character, a sibling to love and feel like throttling all at the same time! If I had anything at all negative to say about it it's that I'd have liked to see a bit more of Ryan's character coming out, but it's not easy with so few words to play with.

Well done, Betsi, once again you've proved you really know how to write a WW romance.

majbooks said...

I thought this story was very clever. You can feel the anxiety of Megan, and her sister's joking/urging is just perfect. I really liked it. It had some nice humor in it, and it flows perfectly. It is a small incident, a tiny romance, and works well in the 800 words.

Pat said...

I loved this story. Another Betsi masterpiece. I agree with everything said so far re: the sister and hero. Pacing and short time frame were great. A wonderful 800 word romance. Nicely done.