True Love at First Down

by Veda Boyd Jones from the November 11, 2024 issue

Tagline: New to town and looking to treat her nephew to a fun birthday outing, Katie attends a local college football game and finds kind eyes in the stands.

Observations: There is so much to talk about with this wonderful story from veteran writer Ms. Jones. She did a phenomenal job of setting the scene at a college football game and keeping us there in the moment. 

At the very beginning, she shows Katie and her nephew struggling to get to their seats. Anyone who has attended any type of stadium/arena game knows how tightly the seats are packed. We also see the kid put the soda on the ground, which I'm sure many of us have done at places that don't have cup holders. 

Bill almost acts like an announcer for Katie, telling her about how the team comes out and informing her about the jets.

Jones also does an excellent job of interspersing the game action with dialogue, which incidentally, really does its job of connecting the two main characters and revealing information about them.

All through the story you feel like you're there.

I wanted to also point out how she slipped in some extremely concise physical information about Bill... 

The man next to Cody leaned in a forward position and she looked into dark blue eyes surrounded by laugh lines.

The only other info we get about him, physically, is that he's around her age, 30-something. I point this out because, in my class on how to write and sell romances to Woman's World, I talk about ways to keep your word count low. Skimping on physical description is one of them. While it's nice to dedicate an entire paragraph to really paint a picture of a character, it's not necessary, as you can see in this story.

Jones also does a good job of showing Katie and Bill connecting, but not completely ignoring Cody. If the story had only shown them talking to each other, the characters would have appeared selfish, especially since this is supposed to be a birthday present to Cody. 

I also loved the playful banter at the end. Notice how Jones withheld the dialogue tags to keep that conversation snappy. And that mention of the ballet? Excellent.

I also spotted two typos. Did you see them?

Photo by Breezy Baldwin via Flickr CC License