Tagline: Matt and Erin had moved in very different circles in high school--but that was then. Now, the two of them felt just perfect together...
In a Nutshell: The substitute yoga instructor of the class Erin is taking happens to be someone she knew in high school. Erin had been captain of the cheerleaders. Matt had been the loner geek. However, now the tables had turned. She weighed more than she should, and he was in terrific shape, so she feels awkward. Eventually, she overcomes her negative self-image and finally decides to accept herself for who she is and let Matt into her life.Observations: When I read a Woman's World story, I often jot notes in the margins--things I want to comment on in the blog, or places where I had a reaction. This story merited 9 margin notes.
1. LOL - As the roundest woman present, I was thankful to be in the back row. I loved the word "roundest."
2. Thoughtful to keep private - Matt approaches her to correct her yoga position and also to jog her memory. I liked that he kept the conversation as private as could be managed, considering the situation. Point in his favor. :)
3. No drama - Look at this bit: Now I was middle-aged, overweight and finally recovering from a divorce I hadn't seen coming. There's Erin's history, encapsulated. Of course, we all know divorce--especially a guerrilla divorce--has got to be horrible, but the author doesn't go into it here. Woman's World doesn't like a lot of drama and angst. As it is, this story had more than usual.
4. LMAO - I agonized all week over what to wear [to lunch]. Eventually, I gave up; Matt had seen me in yoga class. Hilarious!
5. Transition - This story covered a few weeks, another out of the ordinary aspect of this story. It was probably possible due to slick, lean transitions like this...
After our next date, Matt leaned in to kiss me, and I pulled back. How could I explain how unattractive I felt next to him?
The roses arrived with a note: I'm sorry I overstepped. Our friendship means the world to me. Matt.
See? We go from inner conflict, bam, to the next part of the story.
6. Character arc - This story, like "It's Raining Men!", focused a lot on the development of the heroine. In that story we see the heroine learn to believe in her own abilities in the workplace. Here, when Erin makes the decision to forget about her appearance, I felt like she had emerged from her chrysalis as a beautiful butterfly.
7. Too fast - Unfortunately, when Matt declared his love, it came out of left field for me. I'm like, "What?? Well, that was fast." I'm afraid I just didn't buy it. I know he was supposed to have carried a torch for her all these years, but I just wasn't convinced. Perhaps those quick transitions weren't all that great after all. I would liked to have seen him perhaps suggest exclusivity or just declare that he was "serious" about her. But again, the editors thought this was fine. :)
8. Love this - Matt's last line--the last paragraph in the story--is a wonderful metaphor for second chance stories like this one.
"I must be dreaming--this stuff just doesn't happen."
"Maybe not when the curtain goes up the first time," Matt said. "You have to come back after intermission. All the best stuff happens in the second act."
Despite the seventh margin note, I did think this story was fantastic.
15 comments:
Kate, after reading your analysis, I went back and read this story again. I had placed my vote in the loved it category for several reasons. First of all, Matt's approach at the beginning was very gentle and I found it made him more attractive as a person, Greek God or not. Erin was portrayed realistically and gained self-confidence the longer she knew Matt and experienced his caring. Also, I loved the second act ending. However, I did not feel Matt's declaration came out of left field. The last transition could have occurred sometime later. We were not told specifically. All in all, I found this to be an appealing story and well crafted within the limited length. Was there much editorial tinkering done? As readers, we can never know.
Kate - I agreed with every one of your remarks - the "roundest woman" and the "Matt has seen me in yoga" were both things I could so relate to and added humor to a bad self-esteem situation. I too, like the reader above, went back to read the story, because the love declaration did come out of the blue. But I decided, hey, he's had a crush on this woman forever, so to me it was believable. Hey, my husband told me on our first date sophomore year in HS that he was going to marry me. Many ups and downs since, and we are now divorced, but still very good friends. So I think at times, people can fall in love quickly. But yes, at first it took me out of the story. I, too, voted LOVED IT.
Deb
I think we are forced to have things come out of the blue because of the short word count.
Anon, we'll never know how much editing was done unless the author comes here and tells us. :)
Deb, yeah, I know people can fall in love quickly, but truth is stranger than fiction sometimes, and that doesn't change my experience of the story. However, like I always say, I'm only one person and reading is a VERY subjective experience!
Shaffer, absolutely. Writing a romance in 800 words is like having one hand tied behind your back!
About the word count - Kate, can you tell us if they want it under 800 or around 800? If my story is now 870 words, should I cut it closer to 800 before submitting? Thanks!
Btw your blog is fantastic! :)
Thank you, Melanie! 870 is waaay too much. They usually cut it a lot from 800, so cut, cut, cut. Tamara, a blog regular emailed me to say she's been having trouble commenting here, but she wanted to add that she tries to submit stories that are about 10-20 words shy because she wants to be the one who choose the words that have to go! I usually aim for 795-800. With these shorter stories it's easy and better to trim within a word or so, like Tamara said. When the word count was longer (1200 if you can believe it!), I felt you had greater leeway, but not now. :)
Thanks so much for your helpful response! Interestingly, my feeling is opposite Tamara's - I would rather an editor make the cuts, as I don't want to end up cutting the parts the editor might really like. But I will definitely work on getting my stories down to 800! Thanks again!
There ya go. To each his/her own! :)
Just be careful: too many words might be perceived as too much work and therefore a rejection, and the more changes the editor makes, the more chances she will have to make mistakes in your work.
Let's see if my comments will post this time. I'm going to use my first name from now on (previously Shaffer).
I submit all of my WW stories at 800 words on the nose. If the editor wants a shorter version, all she has to do is tell me. I can tighten up those babies until they cry, "Mama!" However, I find that does not prevent editorial changes which I consider extremely disheartening.
Mary Jo, I don't think you're a member of the Writing for Women's World Yahoo group, and you might be interested to know there's been a lot of buzz on it about your back-to-back stories -- the members are saying a lot of good things about them!
Betsi, thank you for the information. No, I am not a member of anything. I gave up RWA when I couldn't read the print in the Romance Report any more. I don't know why Johnene put two of my stories in WW one right after the other. She didn't tell me. But the second one was handled very quickly. I wondered if, for some reason, they had an empty slot and had to stick something in there. I certainly am not against editing, but there was a heavy hand used on the Elaine story. I happen to prefer my original version. Thanks again for keeping me in the loop. And isn't Kate great?
There's always a lot of editing, Mary Jo - I'm just happy to make a sale and try not to let it bother me. I'm sure Johnene put your story in because she liked it, she always has a lot of stories to choose from and it was good. The group I referred to is a Yahoo discussion group, it's called WWWriters and is made up of published and aspiring WW writers.
WWWriters is an awesome group. There's no catch. It's just a bunch of WW writers supporting and helping each other via email.
Yeah, editing happens. It's part of the business. Johnene's changes are usually minor.
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