Original vs. Edit

In lieu of an analysis of my own story, I thought people might like to see what type of edits they did on it. Anything added by the editors is in blue.

One thing they added that I liked was the part that he'd heard she broke up with her boyfriend. That signaled the all clear for Zach to make his move and I hadn't put that in myself. (Although on second thought, if she just broke up with her boyfriend, that sort of makes Zach the rebound guy, but hopefully people will believe that they're right for each other anyway.) I liked the phrase "wake-up call" too. I do wish they'd left "sunflower smile," instead of "sunny smile." I think sunflowers are cheerful and bright, and "sunny" is a teensy bit cliche. Other than that, I think that they tightened it up nicely.

To tell the truth, I hadn't even noticed most of these edits were here. When I read the published version, I thought to myself, they made about five changes. Obviously there were a lot more than that, so that either shows that Johnene knows her stuff and her edits are smooth and undetectable, or I'm a complete dweeb who doesn't know her own story. LOL Maybe some of both. 

The Perfect Storm
from the April 16, 2012 issue

by Kate Willoughby

When Zach knocked on Jane’s door that evening, she seemed both surprised and elated to see him.

            “Zach! Come in out of the rain,” she said. “What are you doing here?”

Predictably, Zach’s heart started beating faster, as like it always did when he saw Jane. It had been that way ever since Jane had approached him outside their first grade classroom. and She'd said, “Hi! I’m Jane. Wanna be friends?” and he'd fallen for her bubbly personality and sunny smile. From that day on, he’d been in love with her cheerful demeanor and sunflower smile—even if it had been missing two front teeth at the time. 

He fell in love with the rest of her sometime in junior high, even knowing there was no way she would ever see Unfortunately, he knew she’d never even consider him as boyfriend material. Not a geeky brainiac science nerd like him. 

But Zach’s brother just got engaged and it was like a wake-up call: Zach realized Jane would never be his if he didn’t try to do something about it. Besides, he'd heard that she'd broken up with her boyfriend.

“I thought you might like some company, what with the storm and all,.” He he said, gesturing at the rain. smiled even though he was soaked to the skin. The wind was blowing something fierce.

“Oh, my gosh. I'd forgotten all about that!”

Years ago they’d confessed their most embarrassing deepest fears to each other. Jane was afraid of thunderstorms. Zach hated spiders and thunderstorms terrified Jane. As a result, she’d appointed Throughout their childhood Jane called herself his personal Zach's “Sspider Nninja” while he’d become her “Sstorm Bbuddy.,” His job description had included showing up with hot chocolate and a video whenever the weather got particularly nasty.

She shut the door on the weather. “You know, I finally did grow out of that, Zach, but I’m glad you’re here.” She gestured to  looked at the bag tucked under his arm. “What movie did you bring?”

Before he could answer, the power went out. Zach cursed his luck as they hunted for candles, but by the time they’d settled down together on the couch, he’d decided the warm glow they created was decidedly romantic.

“So, what movie do you want to watch?” he asked.

“What do you mean? We can’t watch a movie. The power’s out.”

     “Oh, yeah? ye of little faith,” he said as he  He whipped out his cellphone. “The screen's may only be four inches wide, but it does play movies.”

“You’re a genius,” she declared, leaning in close to look. She grinned as they scrolled through the selection. When he suggested a romantic comedy, Jane looked at him, surprised.

“Seriously? I really wanted to see this when it was in the theatre theaters,” she said, “but my ex wouldn’t even think about it wasn't interested. We always saw what he wanted to see.”

Zach frowned. “Always?”

“Pretty much.” After a pause, she poked him. “Hey, what was that you were thinking just now? You had a strange look on your face.”

“Who me?”

“No, the President of the United States,” she said with a laugh joked. “Of course Yes, you.”

Realizing this was his moment of truth, Zach took a deep breath.

“I was just thinking that your ex must have been pretty dense crazy.” He gulped. “I mean, to have had a girl like you and, you know, not done everything in his power to keep you  make her happy.”

     Jane went quiet. She gently took his cellphone and set it aside. “You mean like remembering to keep me company during a thunderstorm? defend me from little boys who want to squirt glue in my hair? Or bring me hot chocolate and a movie when the power goes out? Or,” she said, laying her hand over his, “make making me feel like I’m the most important person in the world whenever he’s with me?”

      His eyes widened in surprise. Before he Zach could quite take in Jane's words completely process what Jane had just said, she leaned in toward him and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Outside, the wind howled. The rain beat against the windows. Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled. But Zach was oblivious to everything but her.

He blinked. “Jane, what What was that?”

     “That, Einstein, was a kiss.” She laughed. “Sheesh Jeez, for the high school valedictorian, you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”

     “Maybe I need a tutor,” he said with a shy grin, brushing a stray lock of hair off her face. “Do you know anyone who might be able to help me?”

      With the that sparkling smile that made his heart sing, Jane put her arms around his neck and said, “You know, I just might happen to know the perfect person.”