Tagline: Madeline thought of Mike as her best friend...then she realized just how empty life would be without him!
Woman's World Tropes: "Meddling" family member, helpful hero
Observations: I was nodding my head, liking this story, until I got to this one point.
Did you experience a let down when she confesses her love to Mike? I did. I was like, wait...did I miss something? One moment she's talking and the next moment, Mike's all SHE LOVES ME in his head.
I recently went to a workshop put on by my local chapter of Romance Writers of America. Tessa Dare spoke on firsts in romance novels--first meet, first kiss, first realization that this is love, etc. One piece of advice she gave that really resonated with me was to slow it down. When you come upon an important moment in your story, it's critical that you slow down. When I'm editing stories, I usually tell the writers to MILK IT FOR EMOTION, which is essentially the same thing. Like Hermoine with her Time Turner, you have the power to control time. In this case, I wish Michaels had taken a little more time right here:
"I'm not mad."
"Sure you are. You're mad because your parents love me and you don't."
"That's not true. I love you just as much..." I stopped and closed my eyes tightly. The next thing I knew Mike's arms were around me.
This is anticlimactic for me. It's too fast. Here's the first thing I thought of to boost the drama.
"I'm not mad."
"Sure you are. You're mad because your parents love me and you don't."
"That's not true." I stopped and closed my eyes tightly. "I...I love you just as much."
The next thing I knew Mike's arms were around me.
To me, that pause before the declaration is key. It shows Maddy is scared. You almost think she might not go through with it. But she does, and you sigh with relief. If I had my druthers, I'd have beefed it up even more.
"I'm not mad."
"Sure you are. You're mad because your parents love me and you don't."
"That's not true. I..." I stopped and closed my eyes tightly. I was filled with uncertainty, but I was also filled with feelings I'd been harboring for Mike for a long time, but never realized. Until now.
"You, what, Maddy?" Mike asked.
I took a deep breath. "I love you too."
The next thing I knew Mike's arms were around me.
See what I mean? Slow. It. Down. Milk it. If you have to cut something somewhere else, do it. Better to skimp in an unimportant place than at a critical one.
6 comments:
I thought that the declaration-of-love scene should have been later. I was also jarred a bit when, earlier, Mike followed her out the door and they're suddenly, without a break or any sort of transition, at the dinner table. Perhaps that's necessary for the word count, but I thought they should have put a break there with one of their large letters to start the new scene or a transitional sentence -- or something.
Yeah, Woman's World doesn't print any type of scene breaks. People should keep that in mind when writing stories for them.
As Tamara says, a transition sentence can make all the difference, and they are not that hard to write. The reader deserves to know what is going on where and when.
Yes, I could imagine the transitional paragraph beginning with the word, "Later", because I did a double-take. Perhaps the author did put a break there. It's strange, in the mysteries (excuse my repetition, I've mentioned this before), the editors put in breaks and those introductory large drop letters sometimes in the midst of a scene or a conversation.
Great observations on this story.
WW romances are a whole lot tamer than anything I've ever written, but reading the stories and then your critiques really help me focus!
Thanks for doing this!
PamT
You're welcome, Pamela!
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