A Sweet Deal

 by Marti Attoun from the, yes, September 18, 2023 issue

Tagline: When Caroline borrows her brother's dirty truck to haul furniture, she's in for a handsome surprise at the car wash.

Stream of Consciousness Observations: I found a Woman's World from September tucked in a pile of crap on my desk. UGH! Needless to say, I'm very behind in analyzing these two stories. Here are my off-the-cuff comments and observations on the first story by one of my favorite WW authors, Marti Attoun.

furry french fries - I've found petrified french fries in my car before. Usually they're rock hard. I think my dog ate one once before I could take it from him. LOL

fling the fossilized pizza - LOLOLOL I love the alliteration. I am delighting in the awkward moment of the heroine being caught with a very dirty car interior.

slapdash ponytail - I love her word choices.

There's a paragraph of telling-not-showing which I think is a useful tool with Woman's World stories. You want to show the couple connecting and at times, the easiest way is to summarize all the things they talked about.

She shivered at the sound of her name on his lips. - Love it. I love seeing fresh ways of showing the physical attraction between the characters. 

She'd forgotten this surprising, joyful feeling when you're standing on the brink of something wonderful about to happen. - Haven't we all felt this? This is a great moment when the reader can identify with the character in the story and live vicariously through them, which is kind of the whole point of these romantic tales.

And when they had their first date on that same restored bench weeks later... - Okay, the whole story was fantastic until I got to this part. I am assuming they reenacted her grandparents' cheese sandwich and gingersnap picnic on the bench, but that wasn't made clear. Did something get edited out? 

Photo by David via the Flickr Creative Commons License

Trail to Happiness

by Marti Attoun from the July 10, 2023 issue

Tagline: When Ramona stops to smell the roses, she meets a handsome newcomer who opens the door to friendship...and a blooming future.

Observations: I wanted to highlight a few things in Attoun's story. I really liked how she described the hero:

Up close, Ramona could see handsome laugh lines radiating from his green eyes and gray streaking his wavy hair. 

This not only gives us a clear picture of Andy, just look at those active verbs--radiating and streaking. Lovely.

She also used the bookending technique, which is mentioning something at both the beginning and end of the story to bring the tale full circle and give the feeling of closure. You'll see in these first and last sentences of the story, she tied the story together using "moseying."

Ramona set off at her usual moseying pace on the trail circling Brookfield Lake: slow enough to admire the roses cascading over the fence at her favorite lake front cottage.

"No need to hurry. I think we can make it, even if we mosey."

I also loved how she conveyed Ramona's physical reaction. Notice how there was no electricity nor did her heart perform any tricks. 

Andy laughed heartily, bringing with it [sic] a dizzying delight that made Ramona feel like her insides were cart-wheeling.

I'm not saying don't use electricity or make your characters' hearts soar or what have you, because Woman's World loves that. However, in my opinion, a little extra effort in the originality department can make a big difference. Small choices, made consistently in a story, can move a story from the ordinary category to the extraordinary category.

In fact, I challenge you right now to brainstorm some ways to convey a positive physical reaction that does not include the heart or any electrical impulses. I know you can do it!

Photo by Larry Jacobsen via Flickr Creative Commons License

Love to the Rescue

by Marti Attoun from the May 22, 2023 issue

Tagline: After a disastrous morning, Eleanor is about to have a muffin catastrophe at the grocery store, when a gallant stranger steps in to save the day.

Stream of Consciousness Observations: This is where I record my thoughts as I have them as I'm reading the story. If you follow this blog, you'll have noted the long gap between analyses. I'm happy to say this is because it seems as if I've burst through my two-year-long writer's block and am 25K words into a new novel. So, sorry, not sorry!

Could her morning get any crazier? Perhaps she could get hit by a meteor? -- Funny.

Oh my gosh, I have had this happen to me too, but it wasn't blueberries. It was a head of garlic that rolled under a car. I'm short with arms to match and I couldn't reach it. Luckily, I had something in my car that allowed me to bat at the garlic to get it within reach. This is what you have to do when you don't have a handsome stranger offering to help.

I love whirligigs.

LOL. She used a purple chip bag clip in her hair. That's hilarious, but I'd tell her not to worry. Men don't usually notice stuff like this.

She looked like a demented peacock! -- Also funny. This reminds me...in my Deep Dive Class, I talk about including humor in your stories along with the different types of humor that I've observed in the magazine. This is self-deprecating humor and Attoun used it masterfully here.

If she snatched the bag clip and her graying tumbleweeds... -- LOL

...one lost breath mint -- I love this tiny detail. It adds realism. We've all discovered stuff in our purses we forgot about.

Hm. I'm not sure I agree with Eleanor's assessment that his good deed deserved a cash payment. He just picked up her fruit.

"Too much to mention," he blurted. -- I don't understand this bit of dialogue. I've reread it several times and it's not clicking.

He has wavy dark hair but hers is graying. You go, cougar girl!

Again, this part of the story confused me. All of a sudden he's mentioning a flea market where he thinks he's seen her. 

Here we have a flashback to convey some backstory. Nice.

Bart's lightheartedness was contagious... -- LOL. I read this as lightheadedness.

Hm, she's baking blueberry...cupcakes? Is this a regional thing? To me, blueberries in cupcake form are muffins. 

Ah, cute ending.

Photo by Yukiko Matsuoka via Flickr Creative Commons License

A Love that Glows Bright

by Marti Attoun from the January 16, 2023 issue

Tagline: Nora is desperate to find a firewood delivery service for her new hearth, when a secret admirer answers the call and lights a spark in her heart.

Observations: This is a matchmaker story that I didn't see coming. I mean, I didn't realize it was a matchmaker story until the end, which is so cool! Usually I can see those coming from a mile away but this one took me completely by surprise. 

I knew Dave was the firewood guy right of the bat, and maybe that was Attoun's intention--distract us with that bit of info so we feel proud of ourselves for figuring that out, and then pow! Hit us with the info that Shirley was behind it all! 

In fact, go back and look at the first line in the story:

"Check the bulletin board, Nora," Shirley said while setting a steaming cup of coffee in front of me at the Crestwood Cafe.

Shirley is the person who set the ball in motion!

I think this just might be a great hack for surprising readers. When you have two surprises in a story, make one really obvious so that the second one sneaks in unnoticed.

Photo by Ivan Radic via Flickr Creative Commons License

The Best Bargain Ever

by Marti Attoun from the July 18, 2022 issue

Tagline: Thrifting with her best friend, Jackie isn't looking for anything special...until she finds herself face-to-face with a fascinating find she can't resist.

Observations: I usually go straight to the byline to see who wrote the story, but this time I didn't do that. I just jumped right into the story. I really enjoyed it and wasn't surprised to see who wrote it. 

Lenora was a hilarious secondary character. I loved the humor the friends shared--it makes the characters more realistic. Anytime you have two people who have been friends for a long time, they laugh together. They probably order each other around like Lenora does with Jackie. They help each other with projects, like furnishing a new house.

I loved the misunderstanding in the story even though I saw it the moment she spotted the plant stand inside the garage.

Attoun did some great foreshadowing.

She shows you in that little mini-scene that some sellers didn't have time to price their merchandise so that it makes sense later when Jackie mistakenly assumes the owner of the plant stand was in a similar situation.

He's wearing a T-shirt from the Prairie Kitchen restaurant, one of Jackie's favorite eateries and then we find out his daughter is the owner, which gives them a talking point. 

I also loved how she didn't overdo the physical attraction, limiting it to a shiver and a fluttery feeling. To me, these understated reactions are more natural, less purple prose-y. But your mileage may vary. :)

Photo by Sandra Cohen-Rose and Colin Rose via Flickr Creative Commons License

Kicking Off Forever

by Marti Attoun from the January 3, 2022 issue

Tagline: After a devastating breakup, Bev is in no mood to celebrate New Year's Eve, until rugged Sam steps in to ring in the holiday with a bang.

Observations: There were a lot of things I loved about this story. First, how about that picture of the cowboy boots in the magazine? I found it refreshingly different from their usual picture and maybe even a little sexy!

I adored the idea of the New Year's Eve Boot Drop. So very original! I also loved that they had an Ugly Boot Contest and that Attoun described several of the entries...

• shiny orange go-go boots with "Bye 2021" and "Farewell" on them.
• gaudy striped booties
• cowboy boots festooned with rhinestones
• hip waders covered with stickers of champagne bottles and noisemakers

I loved this simile, "A handsome single guy at the Red Oak Grill is as scarce as caviar." In my Writing and Selling Romance to Woman's World Magazine class, I suggest one of the ways to make your story stand out from the crowd is to add one really prime simile. This is a very good example. I like how there's a contrast between the rural town down-to-earthiness described and ritzy caviar.

I also loved the little detail of the vintage Dr. Pepper clock in the cafe and how charming the town seemed. 

This was another excellent story from a seasoned WW pro.

P.S. Don't miss the announcement post below!

Photo by Jeremy Jenum via Flickr Creative Commons License

Love Under the Stars

by Marti Attoun from the September 27, 2021 issue

Tagline: On a visit to her town's drive-in theater, Connie's memories of her old love are made new again when she runs into her high school sweetheart.

Stream of Consciousness Observations: 

• I love the name Junie. It reminds me of the children's book series, Junie B. Jones.
• Ah, a drive-in theatre. We're jumping right in with a big dose of nostalgia! I remember going to the drive-in with my parents. My sister and I would wear our pajamas and always fell asleep shortly after the movie started. The jammies was a genius idea by my mom and dad, for obvious reasons.
• Five bucks for a carload? That seems very low.
• "Cotton-candy Connie?" HILARIOUS
• More hilarity: "Nope. You can't fire someone when you're laughing."
• I kind of wish I knew how old Junie was. I'm trying to figure out just how precocious she is.
• No one sat outside their cars when I went to the drive-in. And blankets? Maybe drive-ins in other parts of the country are on grass fields. The ones I went to in Los Angeles were all asphalt. This doesn't surprise me; the LA River is all concrete.
• 50-cent burgers... Again, are the brothers Greenwood trying to make a profit or is this like a town-building venture?
• I do love the name of the drive-in though. The Starlight Drive-In. I can almost picture the mid-century modern sign. Edited to add - Look, I did find a photo of a mid-century modern sign of a Starlight drive-in. What are the chances???
• Perfect ending with the perfect amount of warmth and possibility.

Photo by Patrick Feller via Flickr Creative Commons License

The Nuts and Bolts of Love

by Marti Attoun from the February 24, 2020 issue

Tagline: While helping her best friend at the local hardware store's birthday bash, Gloria finds a treasure she never expected...a new chance at love.

Observations: I really liked this story. I thought the author did a wonderful job setting the scene of the hardware store. Just check out this paragraph:

Today, the old hardware store had officially been a fixture in town for 100 years. Beneath a "Happy 100th Birthday" banner swinging from the pressed-tin ceiling, people visited and snatched up Nora's homemade cookies, plucking bargain paintbrushes and putty knives from galvanized washtubs.

See what I mean? You really get a sense of the setting.

I loved this part:

"...I don't think I've seen you in the store before. I'm Michael Bauer by the way. Third-generation owner of this historic hodgepodge."

Gloria laughed and introduced herself. "I'm shocked you don't remember me--I bought a mousetrap here in 1993."

LOL!

It's been a while since I talked about showing versus telling, and there was a perfectly wonderful "telling" paragraph where the author summarizes their conversation. If you're writing a longer piece of fiction, it might be better to actually show this conversation happening in real time, but because these stories are only 800 words, sometimes you need shortcuts like this conversation summary.

Who doesn't love seeing a male character fumble about awkwardly because he's nervous? Not me! I love that and the author does a great job of it here. When I see a guy in this situation, it's adorable and endearing.

Photo by Daniel Bentley via Flickr CC license

Season of Love

by Marti Attoun from the October 21, 2019 issue

Tagline: As Carolyn Danner finally finished raking up the vibrant fall leaves blanketing her sprawling lawn, she gets a surprise visit from an energetic pup--and his breathtakingly handsome dog sitter--that turns the seasonal chore into a heap of unexpected happiness.

Observations: The first thing I wanted to point out is something I haven't mentioned in a while. When writing a Woman's World romance story, you need to establish that the main characters are single. Obviously, you don't want to just say, "Mary was single." There are many more clever ways you can do this. In this particular story, the author wove it into the narrative.

She had considered hiring someone to rake her big yard now that her husband was gone...

I really loved the part where Attoun described Chester messing up the leaf piles. It was well done and I had no trouble visualizing this. Descriptions like this one aren't easy, which is why writing is an art. It's worth mentioning that you shouldn't dash off a story and send it off. My bet is that Attoun revised and revised until everything was just right. I mean, those verbs--bounding, pouncing, whooshing--those don't just spring to mind. But they are perfect.

I also haven't mentioned the "show don't tell" thing in a while. "Show don't tell" is a phrase that is often bandied about as an ironclad rule and I'm here to tell you it's not. Especially in a Woman's World story. You only have 800 words to use. Sometimes you have to summarize the action, as in this excerpt:

Surprisingly, they fell into conversation as easily as long-lost friends. Carolyn learned that Stan was recently retired and also single. They shared many interests from junking to blue-grass music.

See, you could show this happening, like I did here...

"So, Sam, what do you do for a living?" Carolyn asked.

"I retired recently after forty five years as a high school teacher." Stan sighed. "I always thought my wife and I would travel after I retired, but she passed away."

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

And so on. But as you can see how many more words it took to show what the one sentence of telling did. So sometimes, you just tell stuff.

Unaltered photo by Selena Smith via https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/.

A Fresh Start to True Love

by Marti Attoun from the July 29, 2019 issue

Tagline: Romance is the last thing Bonnie expects to find while selling produce at the local farmers market...but when she meets Jim, love begins to bloom.

Observations: Reading this story was like visiting a real farmers market. Couldn't you just smell all the fresh produce? (Incidentally, I do not think tomatoes smell like compost.) I thought Attoun did a great job setting the scene.

Cute little matchmaking story!

Photo by Paul Wilkinson via Flickr CC license

A Budding Romance

by Marti Attoun from the May 20, 2019 issue

Tagline: With spring in full bloom, the last thing on backyard gardener Jeannette's mind is love..until handyman Paul shows up and gives her butterflies.

Stream of Consciousness Observations:

I get a strong cheerful vibe from Jeannette in the first paragraph. This is very much what the entire publication is about--looking for the positive, enjoying life.

Second paragraph, we get the information that she's an older lady--old enough to have a grandson. It's a good idea to get this across early in the story, because if you wait too long, the reader will already have established an age in her mind and will need to regroup if it doesn't jive with the character's actual age. For instance, let's pretend we didn't know she was older. Let's say we get all the way to the end of the story and find out she's ninety when all along we thought in our heads that she was in her thirties or forties. Suddenly, we're ejected out of the story, which isn't ideal.

LOL at this line:

Worse, she'd been caught babbling to her blossoms.

I love the alliteration there, too.

Okay, I love this part:

...as Paul took a long admiring look at her colorful backyard, Jeanette snuck a long admiring look at Paul.

Super cute, even though there should be commas between long and admiring.

I'm wondering what a whirligig bumblebee is.

Okay, I see now that it's some kind of wind-powered garden device.

I like how the author compares Jeannette to the flying zebra. Very cute.

We get a summary "telling" part where we summarize what happens over a certain time period. I feel this is a handy tool to utilize when you want to transition to the third act, if you're following a three-act structure for your story.

I love Paul's line about not being in high school but how he feels like he is. I find myself wanting to poke Jeannette in the arm and say, "Don't let this one get away."

Oh, a stealthy hand-holding! Okay. It is true that I have had trouble with the characters holding hands in other stories. Sometimes it feels like it happens too fast for two people just having met, but for some reason, it doesn't bother me here. I tried to look back and find the latest story in which the hand-holding bothered me, but I couldn't find it. If someone can point it out to me, I'll be happy to look at both stories to try to figure out what made it okay for me in this story but not in the other.

The ending is just as cheerful as the beginning.

Photo by Mulberry24 via Flickr cc license

An Irresistible Treasure by Marti Attoun

From the March 12, 2018 issue

Tagline: Shannon didn't expect to find romance in a thrift shop...but Gabe was a treasure she couldn't resist!

Observations: I haven't done a stream-of-consciousness critique in a while and I'm a bit behind with the stories, so here goes...

1. I love clownfish! I've loved them even before Finding Nemo came out. They're so adorable and the way they "make friends" with anemones to protect themselves is amazing.

2. I can totally picture Shannon's apartment. My MIL's house was much like this--a collection of oddball items and antique furniture that was so her.

3. LOL "unique second-hand hodgepodge"

4. "If the chicken Parm bombs, you can blame it on these guys." -- I am totally confused by this line.

5. Ah, the aunt is on vacation so the handsome nephew is filling it. This is a popular trope of Woman's World stories. However, I wonder why Shannon didn't know about this vacation. I'd think Evelyn would have notified her if she saw her every week for the aquarium upkeep. I'm thinking it was probably Evelyn playing matchmaker.

6. "I'm so thrilled that Evelyn finally got to see a real ocean again." -- Oh, that's a great loop back to the line in the beginning of the story.

7. Love this line:

"What she didn't tell me was she bought enough salt and pepper shakers at an estate sale to season the whole Midwest."

8. Cute ending, tying into the title. This is something I haven't mentioned in a while. If you're looking for a way to wrap up your story neatly, connect your title with your ending line. I'm not sure what's easier--writing the ending first and coming up with a title afterward, or vice-versa. Also, the setting of a secondhand or antique shop is a tried and true one too.

Sew Much Happiness!

by Marti Attoun from the August 18, 2014 issue

Tagline

Julia was an expert seamstress, but it seemed John Garwood might be the man to stitch up her broken heart!

In a Nutshell

Julia is surprised when a man with an emergency alteration bursts into the store. When he comes back to pick up the pants, he brings muffins and asks her to lunch.

Observations

Characterization -- This story had two likable characters. Julia is happy and isn't one to dwell on her problems. She is successful. She loves what she does. Her life is terrific, but she wouldn't mind a little romance.

Enter John. He's funny. (Duct tape!) He's thoughtful (the muffin) and resourceful (gets the lowdown from Sarah at the bakery.)

However, the only thing that sort of made this story stand out for me was that she was a seamstress. That was a profession I don't see a lot within the pages of Woman's World. Other than that, it was, in my opinion, average.

Photo credit: KoS via Wikimedia Commons