by Stephanie Dees from the November 26, 2018 issue
Tagline: After becoming an empty nester, Roberta is overcome with loneliness...until she finds a new love in the most unexpected place!
Observations: It's always really difficult for me when a published Woman's World story doesn't work for me. The editors can just ignore stories, whereas I need to analyze them here on the blog whether I like them or not.
Obviously, I start reading with an open mind and as I read, if something good stands out, I mentally make a note. (Sometimes I even write on the page.) Conversely, if I see something that bothers me, I note that as well.
With this story about a third of the way in, the bothersome things (and even some things didn't make sense) were starting to add up. I'll list them here, along with the parts I liked. Unfortunately, there were more negatives than positives.
Nice bits
1. "...her real home had turned quiet and lonely, feeling more like a sieve through which her life was seeping..." I really liked this part. Very poignant and descriptive. You really felt something for Roberta and what she's going through.
2. I liked how Mickey said, "I figured maybe we'd give three square meals a day a try. You know, where I'm not the only one cooking them." LOL. Very cute.
3. I liked the idea of him getting the cruise tickets for the two of them. I might have made sure the reader knew he got separate cabins. LOL
Bothersome bits
1. Second paragraph - she was
heading back to her office so she could help field the first wave of lumberjack breakfasts? How is she going to help from her office?
2. I wasn't crazy about the slight melodrama of her state of mind in this sentence:
Roberta was full of pride and joy, but also felt a loss so strong that she wondered if she'd ever be able to use the word "bright" to describe her own future again.
Then I realized this ties into the last line of the story. Yeah. This technique can work well to bring the story full circle, but I think this could have used some finessing.
3. I think colons have their place, but two in one story seems odd and when I saw the second one, I was pulled out of the story.
4. This paragraph is kind of a grammatical mess. It has two sentence fragments and the way it's written, Roberta is her own best friend. I also winced at his head being full of curls. "Full" isn't the word I would choose, but that's getting really picky.
Mickey: her ruggedly handsome partner-in-crime at the Darling. With his head full of chestnut-brown curls shot through with gray, and a lazy warm smile. He always looked out for Roberta--the best friend she'd never known she needed.
5. When their fingers brush and she feels a "jolt of excitement," it seemed to come out of the blue. Again, maybe the word choice wasn't quite right. Or maybe I wasn't prepared as a reader for this level of emotion at the wayward touch.
6.
Free? To do what? To spend weekends walking alone on the beach or wandering around on her own?
Walking and wandering are too similar. Better to choose some other example of her solitary life.
7.
He tilted his head as her heart hammered out toward him.
Another word choice thing. I'm fine with her heart hammering, but how does it hammer out toward him?
8. Twice in the story a character "sang" his/her dialogue. I was fine with once, but like the colons, twice was too much.
9.
Roberta smiled widely as she jumped up to hug him.
When did she sit down? I went back and the last mention we have of her physical location was "she headed back to her office."
10. Why did he choose a cruise that was over Christmas? Isn't she going to spend the holidays with her daughters?
So, yeah, this story didn't work for me and I feel really bad about it. I hate to take the joy out of the author's accomplishment by so heavily criticizing it, but this is only my opinion. I also really hate James Patterson's style of writing, and he's one of the most popular novelists alive today, so take what I've said here with a grain of salt.
Photo credit: Kabacchi via Flickr CC license
