by Cora Allen from the September 24, 2012 issueTagline: Julia hadn't laid eyes on Cameron Briggs since high school. Ten years later, the sight of him still made her heart beat faster...
In a Nutshell: Julia's grocery cart rolls into another car. When the owner returns, she gives him her insurance information, but is surprised to find out she knows him and had a crush on him in high school. He is the new football coach at Hillbrook High, and he wants to take her to the Homecoming Dance on Friday.
Observations: I'm going to do a stream of consciousness analysis. I haven't done that in a long time.
Oh, the rolling grocery cart. That's happened to me before. Immediately, I feel a sense of camaraderie with this heroine, and then I feel bad for her because her cart damaged someone's car.
I like the hero when he shows up and deals with the situation calmly and rationally. I can see why the heroine would like him.
Ah, I come up against the first "negative" in the story. If this was "the face that had made her swoon from across the room during Chemistry and English Lit. The running back she'd cheered for when he scored a touchdown. The boy she'd dreamed of going to the Homecoming Dance with," then why did she not recognize him? Oh well, I read on.
Cameron, the hero, continues being understanding and says he won't need to call her insurance company because he has a friend who can fix his car. What a nice guy.
Oh, he's getting all flustered asking her out. That is adorable. Love him. And it's the Homecoming Dance? Wow. Great, what I call, circularity--when you introduce something in the beginning of the story and plant the seed, and then sometime later, that seed sprouts.
It's sweet that he wanted to ask her way back when, too, but that little tidbit didn't do much for me emotionally. I didn't quite buy it and I'm not quite sure why.
Ah, nice last line.
Photo by thisreidwrites (cc)
10 comments:
What last line, Kate? Since I read this story a couple of weeks ago, I really don't remember much about it. Maybe that is the case for other Woman's World subscribers? I wonder if it would be more helpful to the writer if you went back to posting the rating schedule earlier. I know I would be more likely to vote if I had just read the story. It could still be available later to anyone who buys the mag at the store.
"High school wasn't bad," he said, "but now is better."
And Mary Jo, I'm surprised you don't keep the stories. I recommend that everyone keep the stories for future reference.
Kate, I have kept the whole magazine for the last year or so, and I did go back and read this story again. However, I do think a first impression is best in rating a story. I wonder if other readers feel the same way, as there are very few votes posted on any of the stories.
I have great confidence in my own writing as I expect most writers do in respect to their own work. However, some honest feedback is always appreciated. That is one reason your blog is so valuable.
I could really relate to this story. And I can totally understand not recognizing someone right off. First - you're in the moment of "oh my gosh, I just damaged someone's car" and second - you are seeing someone out of context (and think that person lives in another state). Also - I have been to HS reunions, where I've had this happen more than once - "I wanted to ask you out, but ...." Or from me - "I had a major crush on you." I just ran into a guy I actually dated (many, many years ago) and he looked totally different, Even after I found out who he was, he still didn't look familiar to me (in other words, he didn't match the picture I had in my mind of him). I totally agree with you that the hero is a really nice and considerate guy. In less than 800 words, I managed to fall in love with him :-)
Anyone have an email for Patty Gaddis?
I loved this story for all the reasons Deb mentioned. Although, I never met a guy I had a crush on from high school, but I meet some of those people and would never recognize them. I'm amazed the recongnize me. I can also relate to the story having once had the cartboy at the supermarket run a whole load of carts downhill right into the door of my brand new car. I have to admit, I was not that nice about it. LOL I also never would have thought to write a WW story using the situation. These two story have mining my past life for story ideas.
Oh, and I not only save the stories, I print out Kate's review and put them both in a binder using Post Its for the labels.
Oh - good idea on printing out Kate's reviews. I have two notebooks full of clipped WW stories, which I go back and re-read to study them, so re-reading Kate's reviews would add to the study.
Deb! Hey, can you tell me the name of the WW story of yours that got published? Did you use a pen name? I was trying to make your name a link on the Testimonials page, but couldn't find your story.
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