Tagline: Molly's favorite things were running and reading. So why bother with a party where there was zero chance she'd meet a man with the same interests?
In a Nutshell: Molly doesn't want to go to a party, but she does anyway. There, she meets a man and almost doesn't recognize him as the guy she often runs past at the park. They find out they have a lot in common.
Observations: After I finished this story, I really felt as if I'd been to a party. I could immediately identify with Molly because I, too, dislike going to parties where I know almost no one. I, too, am critical of food (but I'm not a restaurant critic!)
I thought it was cute how she nicknamed the people she saw at the park and then ran into "The Blue Streak" at the party.
It might have been funnier if she'd omitted the sentence in between the two lines of dialogue. Comedy is all about timing, and I think that long delay between the set-up and the punchline is too long here.
Original: "I try not to run in heels." I smiled into the blue eyes that had inspired his nickname. "It's rough on the ankles."
Revised: "I try not to run in heels." I smiled up at him. "It's rough on the ankles."
Photo by Tobyotter (cc)
18 comments:
This was a good little story for me. I'm not a party-lover any more (not a runner, either, for that matter) so I identified with Molly's reluctance to go to this one. I liked that Blue Eyes was into books - shows there's a brain behind the good looks. And no matchmaking friend or granny this week, makes a nice change.
I was a little turned off by the heroine's rudeness at the party. First she looks bored and then she criticizes the food. I liked the part where she says "you'd be surprised." after his critics remark. I thought the ending could have been stronger. She doesn't actually run into him. It gave me a mental picture of them crashing into each other. Still, a good "first meet" story.
I agree, Kate. The very cute remark was weakened by the intervening sentence. Also, again from a writing standpoint,I felt the sentence following the nicknames of other runners could have been either preceding the names or eliminated altogeher -- felt it was overexplaining. From a story standpoint, I had trouble with her sitting down with a book at a party. Last line is great finish.
Dull story - not only unlikable heroine, but also clumsy writing and overly contrived, boring plot. No surprises at all. The reader knows how the story will unfold from the moment Molly disdains the invitation and leaves for her morning run.
Surely in all those piles of submissions arriving at the rate of 500+ per week, there must have been something better than this.
Sandi, the fact that she didn't actually run into him, figuratively or literally, registered with me, too.
Tamara, I didn't really picture her sitting. I pictured her standing by the bookshelf, flipping through it line one might at a bookstore. It wasn't a huge faux pas in my eyes.
Zadea, in defense of both Woman's World and we writers, it's a pretty tall order to surprise people in only 800 words when you have such a defined (yet vague!) set of parameters as far as tone and content are concerned. But I don't think readers are expecting surprising plot twists in these romance stories. It's fun when they DO appear but I think they're more interested in some clean, optimistic romance...something to make them smile, just for a minute. :)
I don't expect too many exciting or surprising plot twists either, and I didn't find this story any duller than most of them, including mine. On re-reading, I am re-characterizing the book scene at the party; I had read it quickly and pictured her sitting down. It was actually the wine that "sat". The ending worked for me, even though it was not totally accurate (I think that's what you're referring to when you say they didn't actually run into each other). I saw it as a play on words, although I don't understand why she needed the "You mean Lucas?" question (editor's addition?). I might have said, "We run into each other all the time." Speaking of running, WW is running late on my submissions; anyone else having that experience? Also, I think the mysterious envelope I received from the post office was the first of the five I sent them, beginning in June. It was the one I had the most hope for, too. When I'm sure of this, I will resubmit. Excuse my wordiness here.
I hit the wrong button. The above anonymous message is from me.
I saw the "You mean Lucas?" line as the heroine's way of showing her friend up a little. Talking like she and he were old friends and all this social awkwardness you thought I was suffering is a figment of your imagination. ;)
I see what you mean, like she's saying, "Lucas? Of course I know Lucas".
I saw the book as a way of Molly covering her awkwardness at standing in a room full of strangers and not knowing what to do or say - not rudeness but social discomfort. And the last line was just a playful closing remark, a neat and tidy end to a story about people who enjoy running.
Zadea, I thought that by WW's standards this story had some actual tension. I bet every writer who submits work to WW is longing to add a twist-ending here or a touch of friction there but they just don't buy them, so we give up trying. We critique these stories on the basis that we all know the limitations we're under when submitting work to WW. I still haven't managed to get a story accepted by them after several years of trying. They might seem easy to write but it's a real skill.
I really liked this story. As a reader who likes books and used to run, I thought it worked. Readers are usually introverts. Some people take that as snobby, I take it as shy.
As a writer, I read Kate's reviews to study the story itself.
Tamara, if your oldest submission was sent in June, it doesn't seem too unusual to me that you haven't heard anything. I haven't heard back on a mystery sent in June and 2 romances I sent in July. One of those was a Christmas story, though, and I'm thinking she must have picked one by now. Just waiting for the rejection.
As for this story, I thought it was a perfectly typical WW story, a good example of the kind of story you need to be writing if you want to sell to them.
I received one that I sent in after that, so I am suspicious that they never got the one sent in June; however, the June one was a romance and the other a mystery, so they might not be in order. You know, I understand that we need to type in the 'anti-robot' words and numbers, but I don't understand why they need to be unreadable.
I'm with you, Tamara, sometimes my best guess works, sometimes not! Anyway, things have changed for me since this morning. I got a rejection for my June mystery sub, and I'm vowing (once again) to give up trying. I "stole" those clues from an episode of Monk, but it "didn't work" for J. My one mystery sale was clearly a fluke!
However, I was thrilled to get a contract for my Christmas story!
Congratulations, Betsi. It's a great story and I'm looking forward to seeing it in WW.
I'm so glad you sold that Christmas story, Betsi. Probably lots of competition. I stole a clue from a movie, too, and J disputed its plausibility. Hey, it worked on Lifetime.
Betsi, congratulations. I look forward to reading your Christmas story.
Tamara, when it comes to typing in the codes to clear the way for your message, just click on the circular arrow beside it until you get to something you can read. I sometimes go through half a dozen or more to find a legible code. Blame the spammers.
In checking my records, I see my first mystery story sent in July was rejected from WA after three and a half months. A Valentine story romance sent at the same time is still out. I await any news regarding a second mystery sent at the end of August.
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