by Jill Weatherholt from the February 4, 2019 issueTagline: After her husband passed away, Janie couldn't even think about playing the field...until a chance meeting got her back in the game.
Observations: This was a cute Super Bowl-themed matchmaker story. I enjoyed it. I was surprised to see the actual words "Super Bowl" used in the story because the NFL is notorious about protecting their copyright. I was in Las Vegas during Super Bowl weekend and the Aria Resort and Casino didn't even use the words Super Bowl. Instead, they said "The Big Game." But then again, they were using the words to advertise an event, so maybe that's the difference. Does anyone still have the magazine? Because I'd expect they would not be able to use Super Bowl on the cover, since the cover sells the magazine.
Janie Edmiston tried not to smile. -- I find myself wondering why she didn't want to smile.
I liked the idea of them meeting at the sporting goods store while buying jerseys, however, they're going to buy full-on jerseys? Just for the party? Maybe this is just a case of the author and/or editors not really differentiating between shirts and jerseys, because why not just a T-shirt? Jerseys run about $75 to $150. Maybe I'm just cheap, but I attended a 60s themed party once and I wanted to spend as little as I could get away with because I wasn't going to wear any of it again. Also, of all the Super Bowl parties, I've attended, I've never seen anyone actually wear team colors, let alone actual gear. But maybe, because I live in LA, people are just "too cool" to do that kind of thing. LOL
Seasoned Woman's World readers will immediately realize Janie and Drew will end up at the same party. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Often, it gives readers that feeling of being in on a secret that the characters are unaware of, sort of like being invited to a surprise party, which is so much fun.
"...the door opened with a sweeping gesture." -- Is this grammatically correct? It's clear what the author meant. We can all picture it, but I think the sentence is suggesting the door gestured.
She stopped just shy of the fridge, her heart hammering in her chest. -- I notice this is the third time her heart did something. As a writer, you may not notice that you are repeating yourself or that you are using a "crutch" word or phrase. I find my characters constantly chuckling, smiling and shrugging. It's something I have to be on guard for and sometimes it's better to have someone else read over your story because we often don't notice our crutch words in our own work.
"I can't wait to see what happens next." -- This struck me as a kind of odd thing to say, especially as the ending sentence of the story. If it had been my story, I might try to throw something football related in and I would have had to reach out to friends who are football fans because I'm a hockey girl, through and through.
I think it might have been good to include one more mention of Janie's getting over the death of her husband two years prior. We get that info at the beginning of the story and then never hear anything more. To show Janie's growth more clearly, I would like to have seen her think about her late husband just once more -- perhaps a memory of how much he loved her salsa or maybe he insisted on buying jerseys for the team he was rooting for, so that's why she spent so much money, to keep the tradition alive.
As always, these are just my opinions. Your mileage may vary. :)
Photo by: Ted Kerwin via Flickr CC license
12 comments:
Kate - just looked - at bottom of the cover it has a headline "Super Bowl Munchies" If they are referring to the real super bowl, versus using the super bowl as part of their own advertising - that might be the difference in copywrite usage. Example - come to the "super bowl of a dog show." But what do I know?!?!?!?!
Not much on football, but I thought this was a cute story, well written.
I enjoyed the story. I agree that it isn't likely someone would spend a lot of money on a jersey for a Super Bowl party when they weren't even interested in the team. I knew they would be going to the same party but it was fun trying to anticipate that moment.
I can definitely see people buying jerseys or team shirts for a big game and party. I've been to them, and sometimes people just like to feel in the moment. When the Eagles were in the Superbowl, pretty much all of Pennsylvania was wearing Eagles' jerseys! Ha!
Anyway, I thought it was a cute story with a little bit of anticipation to see how they'd bump into each other again at the party. We all know there will be a happy ending, it's the fun of the ride to that end that makes a WW story!
I think "gesture" is a misnomer here, too. The heart's many activities seem to fit with the newly required emphasis in WW stories. I think the limited word count could be put to better use, but, to get published, I'm trying to conform.
My goodness, ladies, haven't you ever seen a door usher people in? I guess not. I am a bit confused about what the WW editors are looking for under the new management. I thought they were trying to spice up these romances; hence, the hammering, galloping, thrilling, leaping hearts. Well, I exaggerate, but not by much. However, the latest stories I have read on that page seem to be more the traditional WW cute meets.
It is probably wise to realize that the stories Kate analyzes are the edited versions of the writers' submissions. Thus, always something to be learned here.
I could really see the whole set-up for the party scene. It was a cute premise and I thought believable. BTW, I just got an account with the Yahoo site for Woman's World writing group. Can't access anything. Is that still a current site?
My husband has been buying football jerseys after they've been marked down to half price or even more at department and discount stores for years. The team name/player name doesn't matter, he just finds them comfortable for every day wear. So a few years ago we were out of town attending a corporate event in late January and one of the execs announced that he was hosting a Super Bowl party and we were all invited. Hubby and I were the only two who showed up wearing football jerseys. In fact, other than the snacks that were served, it was the *least* Super Bowl-like party I've ever attended.....folks discussing social media demographics and such and totally ignoring the game and commercials.
Thanks for critiquing my story, Kate. I always appreciate reading your input. As you know, our stories go through some changes after signing the contract, but that's okay by me. It's always an honor to be featured in their magazine.
P.S. to Mary Ann:
Go Eagles!
Jill, you are one gracious lady. I have to admit, it's always hard for me to give my opinions when I know the author is going to see them. I hate hurting people's feelings, especially on a public forum. But if I altered what I wrote here in order to be polite, it would defeat the purpose of the blog. Thank you for understanding and being so professional.
Thank you for your kind words, Kate. Keep doing what you’re doing, we appreciate you!
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