Tagline: As the annual spring festival starts in Serenity Shores, love is the last thing widow Arabella Reilly is looking for, but a handsome traveler may just change her mind.
Observations: This was a cute story. We have a curmudgeonly old woman discover that she is open to finding romance after all. I feel hopeful for them at the end of the tale. I really liked this sentence:
Their eyes met, and a flutter of understanding passed between them.
However, I had some difficulties with the mechanics, all of which are just my opinion.
Like "she sells sea shells by the seashore," Spring Sea Spree is hard to say, even in my head. When I have to stumble over something, it interrupts the flow of the story. But maybe it was just me.
I felt the three colons in the story weren't necessary and (sorry!) a little off-putting. Again, maybe it's just me, but I feel colons belong in term papers (or on blogs! LOL), not in short fiction stories. Two of them were also punctuated incorrectly. There is no capital letter after the colon.
I had trouble with this sentence as well:
"So..." Arabella began, trying to tame her beating heart.
This is nitpicky, but Arabella is alive, so of course her heart is beating. Maybe the author meant that her heart was doing something more than just beating. Racing, maybe? Galloping?
Finally, this story illustrated something that I've seen Woman's World characters do ever since I started reading the magazine, and it makes me grit my teeth every time. A person cannot smile, grin, laugh, beam, or giggle words. Here is an excellent Writer's Digest article on the subject. I encourage all beginning writers to read this.
https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/keep-it-simple-keys-to-realistic-dialogue-part-ii
I know it seems as if I hated this story, but I truly didn't. The bones of a good story were there and I finished reading it feeling optimistic for Arabella and Morgan. I was just tripped up by a few details.
Photo by Evgeniy Isaev (via Flickr CC license)
15 comments:
Excellent critique, Kate! I'm totally with you when it comes to characters grinning, chuckling or smiling their words -- can't be done. Thanks for the article link -- always useful.
Are you sure this story didn't belong on the Mystery page? I got the feeling this little old lady was about to be scammed out of her life savings by a handsome "traveling man." Given Arabella's character traits, I am surprised she wouldn't be at least a little suspicious. "Yikes!!" she smiled.
Oh, Kate, those grin, laughed, etc. dialogue tags drive me crazy also. There's one in the newest issue I just received. I remember tripping over it when I read the story. Not use if it was the mystery or romance as I read them both.
I also loved this story but I did think a little along the lines of Mary Jo with these two characters in the beginning of the story. I guess I'm getting too cynical and suspicious in my old age. LOL
I agree, Kate, that reading out loud is a good way to edit a story. I print, walk, and read, and I find mistakes I think I might not find if I only read silently at the computer. I did think the intertwining of fingers was a little quick in this story, but these romances have to move right along, because they have only 800 words in which to do so.
Hi, Kate,
"So..." Arabella began, trying to tame her beating heart is NOT my line. I did not write this. This, like the colons, is the WW editors editing.
Jeanne
Jeanne, I usually figure it to be the WW editors as I used to belong to a critique group that's writers had many stories accepted and we noticed those changes. But, hey, they received the payment so...
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. Once the writer signs the control and the magazine pays for the story, the magazine owns it and can edit it any way they want. I Am just glad one of my stories got selected.
Ditto.
Jeanne
These editorial mistakes have become somewhat off-putting. One would think someone who holds the title of editor would know the previously mentioned writing "rules." To the magazine's credit, though, I do like the new names seen in the romance and mystery bylines.
Jeanne, like Hulagirl said, once we sign that contract, we give them total control over the story. We have to focus on the check and not on the editorial changes that we don't agree with. It's part of being a professional! :) Congrats again on the publication coup!
It's kinda like sending your grown children out into the world. You hope they do well, but you have already done your job.
I have to keep reminding myself of that, Kate. The contract stated that they could edit, so I was aware of that and told myself they could do anything they wanted and I wouldn't be upset. After all, once they buy the story and the writer signs the contract, it's the magazine's story and no longer mine. So, I was completely taken aback at the reaction I had when reading the story.
I hope there will be a next time for me to see one of my stories published in WW and that I will take any edits in stride.
Jeanne
Everything bearing our bylines are read as written by us -- readers don't realize editors are involved. If writing rules are broken, it's on us so of course we want our stories to be published correctly. It's hard to ignore errors that we know better than to include in our work.
I also thought it strange that he would take her hand after just meeting her. I hadn't thought about him being a scammer, but it does seem she should be a little cautious! We can assume she will get to know him and he will turn out to be an upstanding guy!
Jeanne, I didn't get this issue of WW so I'm not able to comment on the story. However I do know how you felt when you read your story in the magazine. I submitted stories to WW off and on for 10 years before I finally had one accepted. I was so excited. I told all my friends and family what day the magazine would be on the stands. I was shocked when I read what was published. It barely resembled my story, and the part I was most proud of wasn't even there. I cried for a whole day, taking the editing to mean that I was a bad writer. When family and friends said they like my story I didn't feel like I could take the credit. But, like everyone keeps saying, $800 is nothing to sneeze at (or cry about).
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