by J. O'Kelley from the November 11, 2019 issueTagline: On the hunt for furniture at a neighbor's estate sale, Jen Parker is armed and ready to haggle her way to the perfect place for her new sunroom. But when Brett Davis meets her eye, she finds something she didn't bargain on: a new chance at love
Observations: This story had a lot of humor, which I love, and really leaned into showing the heroine's attraction toward the hero.
I wanted to point out that in this story, the black moment wasn't related to the romance. It was when Jen was thinking that she wouldn't be able to afford the wicker settee.
The only other thing I wanted to shine some light on was this paragraph:
Brett guided her through the maze of power tools and books and across the street to a red truck. Then, releasing her hand, he pulled down the hatch. Inside, was a white wicker love seat. French country design. Just a bit shabby. Perfectly chic.
Do you remember when you were in school and you would get a paper back on which the teacher nailed you on your sentence fragments? I do. When you're in school and still learning proper grammar, writing in complete sentences is important. But in writing, you need to know what the rule is before you break it, so you break it in a way that yields you something you want, like increased emotion.
In this case, O'Kelley used it for emphasis. She wanted to show just how perfect that love seat was. Look closer now. Notice how long that first sentence is. Notice how the "ands" make it seem even longer. The next sentence is a little shorter, and then you have those staccato sentence fragments. Using the long sentence lead-in makes the contrast between it and the super short fragments that much stronger, giving the fragments more punch.
Keep this in mind when writing your own stories. Word choice is important, as in maze of power tools and Jen's negotiating pretense evaporated, but sentence structure and paragraph construction can be just as vital.
Photo by Wicker Paradise via Flickr CC license
3 comments:
Kate, this is a great story. I loved the hints of sexual tension, but I had some issues with placement and setting. The love seat is called a chair, and Brett walks her to the garage and then across the street when they were in the driveway to begin with. Just seemed confusing to me.
You're finally getting me to notice things besides the story itself. Thanks.
Yeah, I was a little confused too about the fact that it was supposed to be an estate sale for her elderly neighbor, but all the stuff she saw at first was man stuff.
Wow! That's right. Completely missed that. It was all manly stuff.
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