by Sally Hogan from the March 2, 2020 issueTagline: Romance is the last thing Sam expects after a snowy fender-bender...but when she meets the other driver, it's clear that fate has other plans.
Observations: Well, I caused a fender-bender before, but it didn't turn out like this. LOL
Because Sally is working on a novel and looking for some feedback on it, I know she's the type of person who appreciates constructive criticism, which is why I'm going to post my thoughts about this story.
I liked the set-up of the fender-bender and how gallant and understanding Mark was about it. In the fender-bender that I mentioned, the driver came out of the car furious. In my opinion, her anger level was way out of proportion for the tap I gave her bumper, but that was a long time ago. I'm over it! LOL
I liked seeing that Sam's hard work at the gym had paid off and that she liked what she saw in the mirror, but this paragraph actually pulled me out of the story momentarily and left me wondering how old Sam was.
But when she got home and tried it on again, she immediately put it back in the bag, thankful she'd kept the receipt. What was she thinking, buying a bikini at her age?
Not knowing her age is a small thing and you do not have to mention the ages of your characters in these stories. However, because age was an issue to Sam, it became an issue to me. If Sam is on the younger side, then I would be a little disappointed that her self-esteem didn't remain strong. If she's more my age, then I can understand her doubt a little better. Either way, I was left wondering. It's better to cover all your bases so the reader can enjoy your story without stopping to puzzle things out.
I did appreciate that Sam's self-esteem was revived with this sentence:
They'd both been hesitant about going on a singles' cruise, but since her meeting with the stranger in the parking lot, Sam felt she might be ready to get back into dating.
If you have read enough Woman's World stories, I'm sure you already predicted that she would see Mark on her cruise. Coincidences like this are not uncommon or unwelcome in the magazine.
When Mark took her into his arms to dance, I again wondered how old she was and how old the other passengers were, because single people don't usually touch while dancing, unless it's a slow dance.
Another tiny thing...
Her heart was beating so loudly[,] she was sure he'd hear it. When it ended, he held her for a beat longer as he gazed into her eyes.
As the story stands, it's unclear what the blue "it" refers to, the music or the dance. If we get really technical, it probably actually refers to her heartbeat, because that's what the red "it" refers to.
Even so, this was a darling story that made me smile and makes me want to go on a cruise, viruses be damned. LOL
5 comments:
This was a cute story. I knew they would both be on the cruise. For some reason, it made me laugh to think she met him while on her way to return the bikini. I don't know why. I wonder if she actually did return it!
Kate, I took the blue 'it' to mean the end of the dance (music stopped), but grammatically it is wrong. LOL
Sandy, I also wondered if she returned the bikini.
On the age issue, I took them both to be middle aged, which I guess these days could be anywhere from 40-65 or 70, depending on your physical condition.
It was a cute story and I did enjoy it.
Thanks for your comments, Sandy and Pat! I appreciate you!
Thanks ladies! Age is a good point! I’ll remember that. I actually did write that she returned the bikini and got a one-piece. The editors at ww changed some of what I wrote and left that part out. I also didn’t write blue it, so guess they changed that as well. Have any of you had them rewrite some of what you wrote?
Sally, yes! I remember one of the first stories of mine they published, they changed my Chihuahua to a Yorkie. I don't actually like Yorkies. LOL
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