Tagline: All through high school, Natalie had had a crush on her bad-boy neighbor. Now she was all grown up...and the bad boy was back!
Observations: I liked most of this story. There was a lot of backstory, but it didn't bug me. I like the old flame trope. I liked how Natalie talked to her dog. I liked how she was contemplating making a first move. I liked how they caught up with each other. But, for me, I didn't sense much attraction from him and when he finally asked her out? It should have felt inevitable, but instead, it felt awkward.
The only reason I can think of to explain this is this line:
"It's taken me more than 10 years to get up the nerve to ask, but do you think I could talk you out from behind that door and into taking a walk with me?"
Nothing in the story made me think he'd been holding a torch for her all this time. All the attraction was one sided. Yes, we were in her point of view, but it's still possible to show Johnny's interest through his dialogue and body language.
When he talked about his mom sending him her stories, that would have been a great place for him to--not talk about how his mom was proud of her--but what his response to them was. What did he think of them?
I also felt Johnny's character was too flip. Perhaps this was because so much had been made of his bad boy reputation. Or perhaps it's just that lack of feeling. He's described as being nonchalant at one point, but I think it went beyond that one line.
Disclaimer: I'm only one person. This is my opinion and it may differ from yours. It certainly differed from the editor's, since Woman's World thought enough of it to buy it.
Photo credit: Hannes Grobe via Wikimedia Commons License
4 comments:
I absolutely agree with you, Kate. The Natalie side of the story worked well for me but the Johnny character not so much. It seems an age since I read it but I do remember thinking at the time that I felt no real sense that he was actually all that interested in her. He was way too casual. Perhaps when he spoke of his old girlfriend, 'Miss Georgia', instead of being nonchalant about the break-up he could have hinted that it hadn't worked because she was convinced he was still holding a torch for someone else. Maybe his enthusiastic response to Natalie's stories had revealed his ongoing interest in her. As it was, being told of his mother's 'pride' in her success did nothing to help our understanding of how he was feeling.
The ten year lapse also struck me as way too long. Unrealistic. He didn't seem to have grown up in any way in that time but just be an older version of the 'troublemaker' he'd been in his teens. The male lead has to be halfway likeable and I'm afraid all I wanted to do with this one was slap him! Maybe some redeeming feature got left out in the editing but to me he seemed shallow and I was left feeling that Natalie deserved better.
This kind of story should have had a sizzle to it, but I didn't even recall reading it until you put it up on your blog, Kate. Forgettable. My advice to Natalie would be to turn around and RUN! Chris, above, just explained why.
This kind of story should have had a sizzle to it, but I didn't even recall reading it until you put it up on your blog, Kate. Forgettable. My advice to Natalie would be to turn around and RUN! Chris, above, just explained why.
I didn't get my name signed.
I liked the story because it was different, but I agree about the hero character. It seemed to be he suffered from Peter Pan syndrome. LOL I agree with what both your and Chris said.
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