Let the Light In

by Moxie Hull from the April 4, 2022 issue

Tagline: After a tough divorce and a becoming an empty nester, Liza bought a new house and is not-so-ready to mingle with the neighbors...until handsome contractor Harry gives her some pointers about constructing a brand new love story.

Observations: What a perfect story to start the new quarter with. So many teaching moments jumped out at me.

1. The dialogue sounded natural and also revealed character. For instance, in this sentence, one word--"totally"--told me so much about the sister. I could hear her mock whining tone mixed with a little admonishment at the same time, which is so sisterly. 

"Will you please take a break and come to my party," she moaned. "It'll be fun, and it will be totally rude if you don't come. I invited all the neighbors so you could meet them."

2. Hull cleverly inserted quite a bit of backstory in the dialogue:

"...Jerry's been gone for two years. The girls are grown and on their own, and you've finally downsized to this little fixer-upper..."

My only gripe would be that this makes it seem as if Jerry died and the only reason I know it was divorce not death is because of the tagline.

3. Then we see some real sisterly love. Maxie had put on her bossy sister hat until this very nice moment:

My eyes began to well as I unwrapped a picture of the girls and placed it on the hutch. "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie," she said, noticing that I was ready for a meltdown. She pulled me in for a hug. "You're going to be fine." And after a few slobbering moments, I realized she was right. I needed to get out.

4. And that was the end of the first of three acts in the story. Liza has made her decision and we need to transition to the next act:

A few hours later, I was ringing Maxie's doorbell with a Pyrex full of brownies. In a dress. With heels on my feet.

Points for capitalizing Pyrex. There are quite a few words that are in common usage but that are actual brand names and need to be capitalized, like Jell-O. (Note that Jell-O has a capital O as well.) I also wanted to point out the use of sentence fragments. This is a great way to make a subtle point. Here she's  showing this is not how Liza would normally dress and that she's wearing those shoes begrudgingly.

5. You guys know I am very detail-oriented. It's in my DNA. I noticed a slip-up here that I also see when I have my editor's hat on. See if you can spot it.

I handed her the brownies, which she replaced with a crisp glass of white wine.

There's a misplaced modifier here. The word "crisp" is describing the glass instead of the wine. Obviously, we all understand what was meant, but it should actually read

I handed her the brownies, which she replaced with a glass of crisp white wine.

6. We come to the end of the second act when Liza promises she would call Harry when she was ready to continue work on her house. This works on a couple of levels. One, having three acts makes the story seem meatier, like it's not only 800 words long. It "feels" right to us as well. There's a beginning, middle and end, a story structure we are practically wired to expect. It also serves Liza's character. Obviously, she's not emotionally ready to move forward romantically at the time of the party, so this second-act-to-first-act transition gives her the time she needs.

8. Finally, the ending was very clever. 

"Demolition woman! I've been waiting for your call. Are you ready?"

"Yes," I laughed, my heart soaring. "Yes, I am."

No doubt you see the double meaning here. She's ready for the demolition and ready to enter the dating world again. Sometimes this type of zinger ending feels forced. Here, it was perfect. 

Photo by gemteck1 via Flickr Creative Commons License