by Denice Stradling from the November 14, 2022 issue
Tagline: Having separated from her husband before Thanksgiving, Justine heads to her friend's house to celebrate...and gets a big surprise.
Observations: A reminder...this blog is my own opinion and is meant to be educational. My goal is to shine a light on things I find in the stories in order to help you read more critically and hopefully improve your own stories. Sometimes the things I find are shining examples, but sometimes I make suggestions about what I think might have made the story better. I am truly sorry if anyone's feelings get hurt, but to be honest, professional authors accept criticism and realize that not everyone will love everything they write.
In the end, I liked this story, but it took me a while because of a couple of stumbling blocks, probably because my parents got divorced with I was 13 which was devastating. My entire world turned upside down. My family broke apart and my mother moved us all away from my friends. So my reading experience is heavily influenced by my personal history.
When Justine walked in and saw an old flame, I mentally reared back. She's only been separated for a few months. What is she doing? I thought. One thing I teach in my class (see the right menu for info) is to make your characters likable. In that moment, I did not like Justine. Was she going to respond flirtatiously to this old flame in front of her daughter? I hoped not.
Eventually, it became clear that Ed was Teddy and I was reeled back in...but not completely. If this story had come to me for an edit, I would have suggested the reveal occur the moment Justine walked in the door. That way, we readers would have felt hope at that moment, not confusion about Justine's rebounding so quickly. Their entire conversation would have been that much richer because we read it knowing Teddy/Ed was offering an olive branch.
I would have asked the author why Amanda, the daughter, didn't freak out with excitement at the sight of her daddy. If I had been the little girl, my hopes for a reunion would have shot sky high, and if Teddy/Ed was a responsible father, he wouldn't have blindsided Justine in front of her. What if Justine had rejected him? Amanda would have been dealt another harsh emotional blow.
I would also have asked why the hostess cut their conversation short, because she would have been in on the surprise and I'm sure she was hoping there would be a reconciliation. Give the couple some privacy by perhaps asking Mandy to help them with the wishbone in the kitchen, killing two birds with one stone.
Despite all this criticism, I did enjoy the story. I like the idea of an estranged couple getting back together. I'm extremely happy their relationship looked better at the end of the story, for the sake of the little daughter.
P.S. The words "mommy" and "daddy" should only be capitalized when used in place of or as a name. When you add a pronoun, like "my," you do not capitalize.
For instance:
Mommy took me to school.
I love Daddy.
My mommy took me to school.
I love my daddy.
Photo by Marco Verch via Flickr Creative Commons License
5 comments:
This story got me confused (Ed/Teddy) and then irked because I got confused, lol. I normally like twists but I felt left out of the loop here.
I must say, I thought the story was cleverly-written and different.
I thought I posted, but I don't see it here. My bad.
I had to read the beginning of this story three times for it to make sense due to the word separate which should have been separated. By then I was totally pulled out of the story.
I agree with your comments, Kate. I feel the writer didn't play fair with the reader trying to end in a twist that character-wise just didn't work for me. I loved the concept of the story but I feel it was poorly written. Just my opinion. I really hate to say things like that when a writer worked for hard on a story.
Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate that you're not afraid to be forthright.
I had it figured out that Ed and Teddy were the same, but it didn't make sense to me she would call him Ed when she never did. It seemed to just be a device to try to keep us from knowing.
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