Tagline: When Bobbie realizes her odler brother's best friend, Chance, is joining her family for a day of fun in the sun, she never expects to stumble on the possibility of new love.
Stream of Consciousness Observations: The opening paragraph sets the scene well for a summer day in the sun.
Ah, an irritating older brother. I always wanted an older brother but I can imagine they could be annoying, so maybe it's better not to have had one. LOL
This isn't a huge deal but I'll just point out that you don't need to tag every line of dialogue in a story, especially if the conversation is between two people. Readers can easily keep track of a couple of back and forths without you having to designate who is talking.
I'm not sure how old the heroine is yet and I'm halfway through the story. Again, not a big deal, but it's good to ground your readers so they're not wondering. I'm also wondering what time of day it is. I'd assumed it was mid-morningish, but they play one game of volleyball and then they're having steaks, so, maybe nail down some setting/character details sooner rather than later.
Edited: A loyal subscriber pointed out to me that the dad called them to lunch, so my bad for not reading more carefully!
Okay, the brother is forgiven because he secured her a seat next to her crush!
He stayed all day before saying he needed to leave as he had to attend an early meeting the following morning. -- So I guess they were eating lunch after all. After going back and rereading, I see that they may not have been having steaks. It was just mentioned that "No one grilled a steak like her dad," which implied that steak was on the menu. Maybe it's just me. Let me know in the comments.
Photo by Thomas Kohler via Flickr CC License
2 comments:
The story does say "her father called them to lunch." So that was made clear, although it does seem to indicate they are eating steak. As for their ages, I just assumed they are young adults. It was a good story.
OMG, I missed that! Thanks for the reminder to read more carefully!
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